The Eighth Page

The Tale of the Stork

A lot of kids ask their parents, “Where did I come from?” The parents reply, “The stork brought you to us.” But kids, this isn’t the whole story. Here is the real story of the stork. Once upon a time there was a stork. This stork lived by himself and was very lonely. He had not talked to a girl stork for many years. This made the stork very sad and he had to take happy pills just so he could have fun. One day when he was in the city, a girl stork approached him. He got very excited, but he was very nervous about talking to a girl. She said to him, “Hey, big bird. Are you looking for a good time?” The stork desperately replied, “Gee golly whiz. I sure am, ma’am.” He thought to himself, “Maybe I’m not so ugly. This girl is very, very pretty and she is even wearing fishnet stork-ings.” Then the girl stork said, “Well it’s gonna cost you. How much ya got?” This confused the stork. He wasn’t sure what the girl stork meant. “How much do I have of what?” he asked. He had a lot of feathers, but that was all he could think of. Irritated, she answered, “You know… money.” Money was a big problem for the stork. He couldn’t hold down a job for years. He spent all of his money on trying to figure out what was in those magazines that were covered up at the newsstands and renting videos at stores with ‘XXX’ signs just trying to find that one wicked action flick with the big man Vin Diesel. He still hadn’t accomplished either and had spent so much money he was forced to take out a fourth mortgage on his nest. So he told her the truth, “I don’t have any money, but how about we go to the park and have a picnic.” The girl stork didn’t like this. She said, “If you don’t have money, get lost.” The stork asked for her number. He said he would call her when he got some money. The girl stork gave him her number and he set out to find a way to make some cash. He went through the newspaper and found a listing that sounded perfect. “LOOKING FOR SOME EASY CASH. CALL 555-CASH.” The stork called this number and a raspy voice answered his call. The man told him, “To make the money, you have to fly to China, pick up a baby, and deliver it to a house in California. We had to move the factory to China because American labor is ten times as expensive these days. Shipping is costing me a fortune, that’s why I’m hiring you.” So the stork flew off to China. He didn’t really know how far away it was, but the effort would be well worth the time we would get to spend with the girl stork. When he finally got to the Chinese factory, he picked you, the baby, up and didn’t stay there long, so the Communist army wouldn’t catch on and kill him. He immediately made his way back to America. About a quarter of the way through his return, a big nuclear shockwave almost broke his wings. He heard other storks in the illegal baby trafficking ring say, “There is no way that Iran actually has nuclear weapons.” But he knew they did and he flew faster to avoid any effects of radiation. He flew day after day to get back to America. When he finally got back to the East coast, he was very tired and he didn’t think he could fly anymore. He decided to fly to the border (no not Taco Bell, but that probably would have worked too) and hire an illegal immigrant to finish the trip for him. When he told Raul he wanted to hire him and what he had to do, Raul said, “…Que?” Frustrated, the stork said, “Money, go Los Angeles.” Suddenly the man was in tears of joy. He hugged the stork and took over responsibility for the delivery of the baby. The stork made the man walk all the way because oil was too expensive these days, but Raul didn’t mind after all he was getting paid fifty bucks for the three week trip. The bird was so exhausted that he really needed some medicine. Unfortunately, he didn’t have any Medicare coverage, so he decided to migrate to Canada for cheap prescription drugs. He got better by the time Raul had delivered you to us. Raul was such a nice man that we hired him as our gardener. As for the stork, he got paid for his trip and the stork paid Raul what he promised. He called the girl back and they spent lots of time together until he was broke again. The stork picked up another baby and delivered it and did it all over again and again. This is where you and all babies come from.