The Eighth Page

PA Dueling Chosen as New Sport; Popular with Students

This term, Phillips Academy decided to add another sport to its varsity ranks. Along with Varsity Ultimate Frisbee, Andover will now compete interscholastically in Varsity Dueling. A hybrid of fencing and murder, this sport is without a doubt the most dangerous that the Academy has to offer, and its fierce and brutal nature is only matched by its reasons for being created. The brainchild behind Varsity Dueling (or “Kill Team,” as the members of this elite group so aptly refer to themselves) was none other than Jared Cheatham ’07. Cheatham said of his inclinations to form a new varsity sport: “Well to be honest, it all started when I was nine. Daddy wouldn’t let me play with the other kids and… (Inaudible crying/ yelping; the only words I could make out were ‘NOT THERE, NOT THERE!’)… That and the fact that Ultimate recently became a Varsity sport and I felt left out. I guess you could say it was the ‘emo’ in me.” In order to become a Varsity sport, the school mandates (and I do mean MANdates) that the club in question meet strict requirements and specifications for certification. In Dueling’s case, because there was no prerequisite for this sport, the school stated that fencing (the sport’s former identity) had to be made “more respectable;” they did not give any reasons for such changes, but simply ended their statement by saying “more blood would be nice.” Cheatham was initially puzzled by these words, but eventually took them to heart and proposed that the fencers take their skills to a whole new level. His ideas took flight when samurai swords donated by Sensei Shimazu replaced the regulation weight foils that had previously been in use. Cheatham said that he saw an immediate change in the respectability and overall worth of the club. The school was quick to recognize this change, and immediately deemed the club as qualified of becoming a Varsity Sport. PA Dueling recently won its first match against rival Phillips Exeter Academy. On the win, Co-Captain Billy Cannon commented: “YEAH, we’re number one! EXETER HAS BEEN BLASTED! Let the blood rain down from the heavens like the tears of Zeus!” Cannon won his match when his opponent failed to sustain consciousness for 30 consecutive seconds due to excessive blood loss and head trauma. Currently, Varsity Dueling is spreading across campus like the Black Death across feudal Europe. There are many reasons for the popularity of the sport. One of these reasons is the sport’s pure “manliciousness.” Competitors get to miss Monday classes in order to heal wounds suffered during competition. In addition, students no longer have to travel to Lawrence to kill a classmate. PA Dueling has about 30 members, a number that fluctuates from match to match due to the nature of the sport. Dueling is still waiting for a female competitor, and Cheatham has said from the beginning that any and all are welcome. However, girls seem incapable of comprehending the major concepts of the sport. The team is currently looking for a manager to fulfill rudimentary duties such as scrubbing the blood of the fallen off of the mats and shining the swords of all competitors. Apply if interested.