ANDOVER, MA- Though stereotypes indicate continued Chinese, Japanese, and Korean superiority over Americans in the areas of math, physics, computer science, and wacky incoherent television programming, some American talents simply cannot traverse the Pacific. One such talent is the ability for a man to dress up in ridiculous outfits and objectify himself on the runway for greater good. Namely, the talent of male modeling. Last Saturday, William Cannon ’07 proved himself the most talented male model on campus, winning the prestigious Male Model of the Year award and thus outdoing his Asian peers on their own turf. In collaboration with the Asian Society’s Asian Arts Festival, Cannon submitted photographs of himself modeling to the contest’s judges, pitting himself against fellow Japanese 300 students in a no-guts, no-glory run for the limelight. The photos, taken by freelance photographer Brooks Canaday ’07, featured Cannon sporting a replica of a Meiji Restoration Era hakama, a traditional component of Japanese clothing similar to a large pleated skirt. The juxtaposition of the hakama and a moth-eaten wife-beater created a stark contrast and added a debonair allure of the pictures. Said Canaday, “I was looking to represent the schism between traditional Asian culture and its American perception. The holes in Will’s wife-beater symbolize the inevitability of progress and its relevance to the human condition. It’s Pikachu’s vain struggle for evolution coupled with Raichu’s regret at having matured too soon.” Cannon was “just as surprised as the next guy,” he claimed, when he was proclaimed the contest winner on Saturday. “I really didn’t see this coming at all,” he quipped, amidst the din of a raucous celebratory after-party. “I’m just so excited right now, I can hardly contain my emotion.” At this point, a lone tear trickled down his well-defined cheekbone and a bearded midget rode by on a three-legged goat. Cannon’s previous experience in the male modeling industry has heretofore been limited to a brief stint modeling “Huggies” diapers as an infant as well as a cameo in the “Depends” advertising campaign, wherein he portrayed an elderly Vietnam veteran coping simultaneously with post traumatic stress disorder and with a leaky bladder. A Japanese modeling agency, Suk On Dat Inc., has already approached Cannon regarding his possible participation in their American advertising campaign on the basis of his newfound notoriety. If he were to accept, he would receive a signing bonus of 10,000 yen, the equivalent of 84 dollars U.S., and a complimentary Thai mail-order bride. However, Cannon was not overly enthusiastic about the proposition. “I don’t want to make a big deal out of the whole thing,” he said in an interview with Phillipian staff this Wednesday. “So I win some award, and then all of a sudden I’m a big deal? No sir. I was always a big deal. Suk On Dat has taken far too long to recognize my skills for me to take their offer seriously. Besides, I don’t want to sell out just yet. I have a feeling that if I hold off a bit longer, I can really milk this sucker for all it’s worth.” As a side note, it was, until recently, speculated that Queen Elizabeth of England had been a proponent of Cannon’s eligibility for knighthood on the basis of his manly good looks. However, Her Majesty’s office issued a public statement yesterday saying “While Cannon’s talents are impressive, the Queen simply does not feel that he is manly enough to merit knighthood. Perhaps if he had a beard, things would be different.” That being said, it is comfortable to know that globalization has not penetrated into at least one sector of American culture.
