PEARSON HALL- A recent effort to crackdown on campus theft has led to the discovery of a hobo village in the so-called “secret” tunnels between Morse and Pearson Halls. Based on an anonymous tip, PAPS officers searched the basement of Pearson last Friday for suspicious activity. “I thought it was strange when I found empty bottles of Olde English and the overwhelming stench of hobos,” one PAPS officer, who asked to remain anonymous, explained. “At first I figured that the student alcoholics had returned to their old shenanigans, but then I came across a sign that read ‘Hobo Village in Hurr’. Call it cop’s instinct, but I knew something was in that tunnel.” On Friday night a team of professional hobo hunters opened the tunnel, only to discover that a small village of no less than fifty hobos had been thriving for an unknown amount of time. Needless to say, the hobo hunters were shocked. “It’s unbelievable that so many hobos have lived there unnoticed for so long,” hobo hunter and Exeter Alumnus Lance Manthrob commented. “It seems that the hobos have created a culture of thievery, violence, alcoholism and poorly timed urination. They even have a shrine devoted to their god, The Blackman.” Indeed, a fairly sophisticated culture has arisen from the hobo village. Hobos are trained from a very young age to embrace the ways of the hobo. Rites of passage weed out the homeless from the true hobos. The chug challenge starts on a hobo’s tenth birthday, where he must chug a 40 of King Cobra. Every birthday that follows will strengthen his chugging abilities. It is not uncommon for 18 year old hobos to chug Drain-O and diesel. Young hobos are also trained in the arts of dumpster diving and tailoring using newspapers and trash bags. The village itself is fairly simple, with all the basic necessities. There is a sleeping nest, a mix of trash bags, unread arts sections from the Phillipian and hobos, a liquor stockpile of booze stolen from student dorms, a fighting arena, and a sculpture of the hobo god, a well dressed hobo known only as The Blackman. Little is known of The Blackman, but he seems to exemplify the hobo life, not out of necessity but by choice. The statue, as well as the rest of the village, smells like a mix of rubbing alcohol and New Jersey. The discovery of this village seems to have come just in time. Missing Commons bowls, plates and silverware have been located therein. Empty alcohol bottles found by house counselors have been finger printed and matched up to a number of hobos from the hobo village. Several hobos have confessed to sneaking into commons and ruining the waffle makers. “We are relieved,” an administration figurehead stated, “to discover that all of these bad happenings on campus are really just the result of dirty hobos. The hobos will be dealt with in an appropriate manner, and the we will move on.” On Tuesday, the tunnel was gassed, and survivors were packed on to a bus, and driven off campus to an unknown location. The administration gives its assurance that the hobos will be treated in the most humane manner possible. In other news, Aramark is proud to announce that they will be replacing our current Common’s staff with a new team of fifty or so highly trained Aramark employees.
