The Eighth Page

Features Faceoff: Domenic

It was high noon, and after a quick power nap, I was on my way out of the library when I was suddenly accosted by a bright red sign. Not like burgundy or burnt sienna or any sort of dirty red, more of like a genuine cardinal red, maybe erring a little on the side of magenta but not as far off as mauve or fuchsia so either like scarlet or cerise. I stopped dead in my tracks, engrossed in the lovely lettering: “Oxfam, World Hunger” I was shaken out of my trance by a shrill yelling, “Don’t eat dinner at Commons tonight, the proceeds will go to charity, bla bla bla!” Since all of my knowledge of current events and world culture comes from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, I was baffled; I had never heard of Oxfam, or even World Hunger. Eager to learn, I went to the only reliable source I know. I turned on the nearest computer, loaded up wikipedia, frantically typed in “Oxfam,” and clicked the search button. Within seconds, I was immersed in sentence upon sentence of titillating, uncorroborated information. As I read along, I discovered that Oxfam was a secret society founded in the year 1788 in protest of the Great Compromise. Specifically, the members of Oxfam favored the Virginia Plan over the New Jersey Plan, because lets face it, New Jersey is the worst. Furthermore, as it turns out, members of Oxfam also believe in the second coming of Earl “The Pearl” Monroe, part of the 1973 championship-winning New York Knicks. Thanks to wikipedia, it was all beginning to come together. It was becoming painfully clear that the whole thing was a sham. Oxfam didn’t want people to stay away from commons to generate funds for some sort of charity. They wanted people to stay away from commons so they could take advantage of the shorter lines! I did out the math, and on an average day a trip through the commons line takes 2 minutes and 6.197 seconds. Also, consider that Earl “The Pearl” Monroe set a new record on 2/6/1970, scoring 13 points in a double-overtime victory. Who knows what a secret society of people opposed to the Great Compromise could accomplish with 2 extra minutes. As soon as those long white planks were lifted from in front of the dining halls I stormed in, flying through the line in under 6 seconds. While I was eating, I began to contemplate how I could use my two extra minutes to better the world. Then I realized I was three hours late for work. I hopped into my blue Ford Ranger and sped off. I reached the Salem Boys and Girls Club at 6:00 pm, which I guess made my boss mad because I was technically scheduled from 2 to 6. Technically. I went to clock in but he stopped me, interrogating “What’s the point of clocking in, you’re four hours late.” He had this smug look on his face, like he was the Master of the Clock. But I had the last laugh, as I explained to him that I ate at commons even though Oxfam told me not to and so I gained an extra two minutes and so I still could clock in and work for two minutes and so on and so forth. Then for added effect I slapped the sandwich out of his hands and screamed a bunch of what I think were insults I got from LL Cool J lyrics because as I explained to him eating that sandwich was a slap in the face of starving children everywhere. And not just the ones on television in those sad commercials where some white guys walks around the ruins of a city stealing children and talking about how for only pennies a day you can “sponsor” them. I’m talking about all the starving children. In conclusion I got fired and I checked wikipedia the next day and it turns out Oxfam is a real society that helps people with stuff. Go figure.