The Eighth Page

Features Faceoff: Chris

Recent data is showing an increase in carpet sales, specifically those of the color pink. Empire Carpets is reporting that the main area of installation is in the Southeast. Research is being done to determine exactly why this is. Our reporters have interviewed several locals who have had new carpets installed. In response to why this retro design is so popular our reporters got several answers: “My white carpet was getting dirty, so I decided to go with a color that would hide the stains,” from installee 1; “I heard that the bird flu was afraid of the color pink” from installee 2; “I’m colorblind… is that really pink?” from installee 3; and from installee 4, “My neighbor peer pressured me into getting it. I had already refused illegal substances, and I couldn’t say no when he was trying to get me to get a new carpet.” In attempts to determine how plausible each explanation was, we sent different, undercover reporters to interview several more people in the region, including the neighbor, Carpet Cleaning Company A, and scientists. Apparently, installee 4’s neighbor did in fact have a large stash of miscellaneous drug paraphernalia.After he was arrested for possession and intent to sell, police found a small orchard of “plants” in the backyard. Police are suspicious of whether or not these carpet sales are linked to a cartel sales network. Installee 3’s doctor confirmed that he is colorblind. Apparently that’s why he managed to drive his dark purple car while wearing a lilac purple shirt and turquoise ties. Carpet Cleaning Company A has done various studies regarding carpet color and its ability to hide stains. Apparently dark colors show stains very easily once a light shade of mold begins to grow on them. Mold finds the carpet fibers commonly used to be very nutritious, and therefore flourishes on them. Therefore, the colors to hide this type of mold include a light green, pink, yellow, and even orange. Owners of light blue carpets, who have decided not to hide the mold, but rather make it decorative, claim that the mold contrasts nicely with the blue. Dark colors, including any shades of brown, black, and most reds (other than the pink of course) show the mold in a non-flattering way. White attracts beetles. Because the other shades of carpets that manage to hide this mold successfully have been put on the endangered species (the A. carpitis species) list, pink is the only shade available in the region. Top-notch scientists from the government’s Centers for Disease Control have been sent to various towns in Florida and Georgia to investigate the bird flu’s attraction, or lack thereof, towards pink carpets. Even though the virus has no eyes, it apparently has a molecule, trans-pinkus repellus 1, on its surface that repels it from the pink dyes. Certain bacteria appear to share this trait, and others, the ones with eyes, just find the color “disgusting” according to an E. Coli recently interviewed. The CDC scientists are using this trait to possibly create drugs to protect Americans from infection, according to Doctor 1. He also claims that blood is red already, and all we have to do is inject some white dye into people’s veins and the problem will be solved. Doctor 1 is commonly regarded to be “slow” by his colleagues, who criticize virtually every aspect of his solution to the potential pandemic. Doctor 1 has published several essays in Highlights and in other highly regarded magazines in intellectual realms. His also has published several books, his most recent one entitled “Look at That! It’s a Plant! With a Spine! And it Fell in Green Goo!” regarding the evolution of plants from humans. His theories of evolution are mocked even by seventh graders who are just learning the definition of evolution. His colleagues are attempting to commit him into the local mental institution where he can continue his studies of blue jays by staring out the window filled in with cinder blocks.