The Eighth Page


Each and every one of us here at Andover seems to have a favorite hobby or escape that we can retreat to in our spare time. In my immense amount of spare time (because we all know that I don’t do any clubs) I like to daydream. I daydream about ice cream, video games, women, and “Half Baked”; stuff many high school guys think about. Lately, however, I have been imagining my future Hollywood blockbuster, scene by scene. And as soon as I get my degree from the University of Phoenix online I’ll begin filming. Without further ado, I present “Spies in France”. My movie, “Spies in France” stars Batman, Bill Clinton, and Sean Connery opposite Jenna Jameson and Wonder Woman. It is a thrilling action movie with big explosions, hot romance, and thought provoking dialogue. I’ve even been talking with a producer named Steve Shakespeare, who claims he’s William Shakespeare’s brother. Hey, a wise man once said, “If you can’t get William Shakespeare, then get his brother!” I don’t know who said that, but he was smart. Anyway, what really sells the movie is the gripping plot, not Shakespeare’s brother. The movie starts with the Secretary of Defense, played by the Jim Carey, receiving a phone call from an anonymous tipper that a spy in France is giving foreign terrorists intelligence about American missiles. Earlier, I believed that the Hulk would make a strong president, but was devastated to hear that no film studio will allow green juggernauts on set. Racists! From this scene with Jim Carey, the film cuts to a scene in which the audience learns that the anonymous tipper who called the secretary of defense was actually a stoner with his airhead friend who got bored and decided to prank everyone in Washington D.C. These potheads are none other than Batman and Sean Connery. They miss their friend Bill Clinton, who is vacationing in France, and can’t seem to entertain themselves. The ex-president is in France to “get with hot French women!” Bill Clinton appears to be heatless and shallow, but soon falls in love with a sweet, innocent French woman played by Wonder Woman. Little did Bill Clinton know, however, that the love of his life is actually a spy aiding foreign terrorists! Ahhh, the twist! Batman and Sean Connery tipped Jim Carey to a spy who actually exists! And this spy is dating Bill Clinton! Long story short, the Secretary of Defense sends a special ops troop to France to apprehend the French spy. The stoners are taken in for information and end up wasting the army’s time. One unforgettable quote by a stoned Sean Connery occurs after an army interrogator asks him how Bill Clinton can be identified. He responds cleverly, “He’s the only straight guy in France! How hard could it possibly be to find him!?” Humor is not all “Spies in France” offers. We find Bill Clinton heartbroken after discovering that the woman he was planning to propose to (let’s forget at the moment that Bill Clinton isn’t already married) wasn’t who she appeared to be. The ex-president laments at the film’s conclusion, “Damn it! I actually thought I might get with a hot French chick too! This always happens to me!” Yet all is well that ends well. The army finds Wonder Woman and she is sentenced to be a guest on the O’Reilly Factor for the rest of her life. The ex-president returns to his “high life” with Batman and Sean Connery. Yeah, I truly believe that this movie has some real Oscar potential.