Without a doubt, the Phillips Academy Boys Basketball team has always shown much dignity and pride on and off the courts. However, with a record of 5-0-14 last season, many PA students have begun to lose faith in our varsity ballers. The team that was once our only way of getting through Winter Term has now become, if you will, the tumor on your head that keeps growing but that you deny exists until one day it takes over your brain and you end up finding yourself enjoying the musical stylings of Sonny and Cher. The team’s future looks bleak, considering that this year we are graduating 10 varsity warriors, and are in subsequent need of some additional talent. Ever since the beginning of January, PA recruiters have been working like dogs to try and find a solution to this monstrosity of a problem. More accurately, they have been working like dogs with rabies. During this stage of recruiting, signs of erratic behavior may include restlessness, barking, underarm irritation, vicious attacks on inanimate objects, foaming at the mouth, and several decapitations. It is common knowledge that the rabies-infected dog stage is a crucial stage in high school sports recruiter’s life. Looks like our itty bitty wittle recruiters are finally growing up. The recruiter’s first instinct is to find promising young athletes to build the program up from the bottom and then vigorously train and condition them to make our school proud. But half the time, they’ll just settle for a PG or two. Year after year, the team of recruiters has never failed to attract several rare specimens of people that should be in college, but nonetheless are physical perfection. This year is no different. I am glad to report, that for the 2007 winter basketball season, five Harlem Globetrotters have answered our plea and have agreed to attend a PG year here at PA. Now just let me explain, I know what you’re thinking right now. You knew PGs were older than everyone, but you didn’t think you could be THAT old. Well, you, my friend, are dead wrong. You see, a loophole in the Andover PG policy has just been discovered and, an athlete can be allowed to be a PG as long as he wears red, white and blue striped shorts, no matter how old he is. This law was created in 1812, when it was hip and cool to be patriotic. Among the five new recruits, a guard named Matt Jackson stood out from the others. Jackson has an uncanny ability to sink behind-the-back half court shots with remarkable frequency. Coach Mo will most likely be banking on this skill to pull out ahead in the clutch games. Known as “Showbiz” Jackson back in Harlem, Matt will be celebrating his 45th birthday this December. These new recruits each have new talents that they think they can offer to the team. 34-year old Michael Wilson, a forward, can do that thing where the spinning ball rolls from one arm, over the shoulders, to the other. This trademark Globetrotter’s move is guaranteed to wow the audience and put some decent pointage on the board. However, these “entertainers” will be taking the season a lot more seriously than they are used to. Although many have extensive college and professional basketball experience, none of them know the rigorous challenges and hardships of the New England Prep School league. Local equipment manager Blaine has been reported being seen sewing sparkly, glittery stars to the current basketball uniforms in order to accommodate the new recruits.
