Preppy is to clothes as Hernan Cortex was to the Aztecs. It is the penultimate of fashion statements, the Holy Grail of stylish attire. It is a slew of semirelevant metaphors written in elevated English that have assisted me greatly in augmenting the word count of this article. Alas, I digress. Now you may be thinking to yourself, “He’s written a whole paragraph and still hasn’t explained what preppy is.” If this is the case, then you are 100% polyester. I have purposefully avoided doing so, because there is no singular definition of preppy. If I were to try to force you to fathom preppy in its entirety, your puny brain would probably implode, like a corn kernel becoming popcorn, but in the opposite direction. However, for all the guys reading this, I can give you some pointers, if you want. For starters, wear short-sleeved, expensive, brand name, collared shirts. Tuck no more than six of them into your pants, otherwise you’ll look like you have a huge waist, or at the very least you’ll emphasize the fact that you have a huge waist, fatty. On top of that, wear a long-sleeved, brand name, button-down shirt. Just one. Button three buttons. It doesn’t matter which three, because on top of this you should wear a sweater vest and sport jacket. Wear loud pants. Plaid is always a good choice, as is “Nantucket red” which is actually just a man’s man’s way of saying pink. Shoes should never be worn with socks. For added flair, wear a cumberbund and a bowtie. Also, don’t wear underpants, unless it’s Thursday. On Thursdays wear a leopard print man thong. Its your choice whether you want to wear anything else on top of that. In terms of personality, feel free to be a d-bag. Cut people in line. Play frisbee or tenni-golf in between classes even when the weather is unforgiving. Spit and curse in public. Don’t look both ways before crossing Main Street. Hopefully that clears things up. If you have any more questions, feel free to direct them to my secretary, Pete Smith ’07. However, please be warned that I will probably be too busy playing tenni-golf to deign to respond.
