The Eighth Page

Jock Dirt

The jock (jocculous sweatillus) is a mammal of the family musculae. It is the quintessential bully and brawn of the animal kingdom. Jocks roam the paths and hallways, hoping to find their next unsuspecting victim and attack without mercy. Common prey for jocks includes nerds, wimps, preps, midgets, and even albinos at times. When in a time of deprivation, jocks have also been known to resort to cannibalism in order to keep up their gigantic build. Jocks in the wildlife thrive in locker rooms and are often observed snapping towels at each others rear ends, resulting in little girly screams. But perhaps the most interesting aspect of this mighty beast is its taste in clothes. The jock is seldom seen without the varsity jacket of its athletic specialty. It makes a statement like “Hey, I’m a big man, and I play sports good.” Note that the previous statement is grammatically incorrect for a reason. Jocks are not known for having high intelligence quotas. However, jocks make up for this lack of intelligence with the fact that they can eat you like a piece of popcorn chicken. However, without its varsity jacket, the jock is nothing more than a soulless mass of pure muscle and sweat. Jocks are also commonly found wearing sleeveless shirts, especially when working out. Sleeves seem to hinder the average jock, forcing them to waste time washing the underarm stains from their shirts instead of working out some more. The idea of a sleeveless shirt also appeals to jocks in the fact that they can show off their underarm hair. Jocks will spring at any opportunity to do so and try to prove that they are more masculine than the guy next to him. These shirts are not made sleeveless, but rather the sleeves are ripped off, usually by the jock himself, for a more rugged look. It is believed that jocks do so to give the impression that they got into some cool crash which resulted in sleeves getting ripped off. Jocks often wear sweatpants and sweatshirts to look casual and laid back. At first glance, it seems as if this works and de-emphasizes their muscle mass. But it’s almost the opposite. When they do this, they are just rubbing it in. Rubbing in the fact that you are fat and they are the epitome of strength.