The Eighth Page


When you grow up in the primarily Jewish suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio, you naturally become an expert in the ways of fashion and style. More specifically: Gangster. Now to fill in anybody in need of a little advice, I present ‘How to be Gangster in 350 Words.’ Style should be spelled GOLD TEETH. Nothing says ‘Gangster’ like a little bling inside your mouth. It also goes well with the recent Olympic frenzy sweeping the world. Are you wearing a belt? Yes? Take it off, and slither and slide so your pants are polishing the floor. I’ve cleverly, being an expert, thought of a name for this style: DROOPING PANTS. Now more commonly, it has been called ‘sagging.’ Make sure you’ve got some crazy colored boxers, or just the classic Hanes tighty whities. HATS are no longer for blocking the sun, or informing people of your profession (Cowboy, Chef, London police officer). Hats should be either abnormally large, or intensely small, like the kind a monkey wears when he cranks the music machine on the pier in California. Under no circumstances should the rim be bent. VISORS are also making a comeback in gangster fashion. I rediscovered the visor after watching my grandmother’s bridge club when I was vacationing in Florida over winter break. Probably the most important aspect of being a real gangster, are your SHOES. The best way to ‘keep it real’ with your footwear is to ‘find a deal’ at Payless. I’ve found that the coolest shoes, “Air Jordan’s”, “LeBron’s”, and the “Air Dr. Keller” (coming this fall) can cost over three gold teeth’s worth of shoes. So listen to Star Jones (just don’t make her angry) and head over to Payless and check out the just as stylish “Air Rordans” and “LeRon’s”. Follow these simple steps, and lose the Brooks Brother’s key fob, and before you know it, you’ll be one fly G.