As many across campus continue to gripe about the lack of cluster sports on campus, the athletic office has decided to implement a new spring cluster sport for the year of ’07. Drum roll please. Cluster Flexing. Yes, due to the sports’ self-esteem benefits and its promotion of oily-chested mirror flexing and unhealthy weight gaining, the PA front office has decided to offer the sport in the winter term. When asked, Varsity football scout team coach Raj Mundra, a bodybuilder by the age of 7, pulled out some random amendment in order to not comment. However, through a body language expert, we can interpret that the “Raj Mahal” is excited for the new sport that has been taking over every campus from Poughkeepsie to Timbuktu. Andover’s resident muscle experts, day students Sam Conte ’07 and Matt Skinner ’07, have begun preparation for the season, although it is still a little less then a year off. “I love oiling myself up in the presence of my peers. There’s nothing like the feel of exhilaration after winning a steroid-laden flexing contest, and then watching your performance over again only on a Friday night.” said Conte. Matt Skinner offered a more sensitive point of view on the new sport, “Being so strong, I have been a loner my entire life. No one has accepted me do to my Josh Hartnett-esque looks and ripped muscles. Now I can finally prove to the PA community that I am one of the guys and finally make some friends.” Although competitive flexing has its origins in the Fjords of Steaknshaken, Finland around the middle of the 19th century, the sport didn’t truly take off in the States until 1997, around the time famous pro wrestler and model “Chyna” took middle America, despite all its cosmopolitan culture, by storm. The toned biceps of Chyna, an idol to pubescent boys for the past 5 years, started the craze, setting everyone from 6th graders to 30 year old men off to work on their upper dorsimus and lower latatagicals. We have also recently seen the invasion of this “weight lifting” in pop culture, as a means to become a more efficient “flexer.” I went behind the scenes into a “weight-room” on our very own campus to see what was really going on. Entering the boxy structure, full of sex-crazed, beverage-consuming teenagers, I smelt the fine stench of perspiration and cold steel. To my right, half naked warriors, “wrestlers” to some, were weighing themselves. As I shifted around the room, making sure all of my 7 senses were on full-tilt to prevent against any sudden movements, I was completely perplexed by what I saw. People we’re voluntarily pushing and pulling on heavy objects, for fun! My tour guides, Conte and Matt Skinner, proclaimed, “This is why we do it. The smorgasbord of pain, perseverance, and perspiration makes us go every morning. It’s why we drink four protein shakes a day and spend half of our lives in anguish. It’s for the love of the sport.” At that moment I had my epiphany. These “flexers”, despite the commercialization of many sports around them, weren’t in the flexing for the money; they were in it for the camaraderie and competition. They don’t work on their fake-tanned gluteus six months a year for sponsorship; they do it for the very reason in front of me, for love. There are however, some perks to being a great flexer, especially on the cluster circuit. For next year, the school will now be giving out a new scholarship for the tightest, most ripped body in the school. Early frontrunners are believed to be Anichya Gujral ’06, who will be returning for a 5th year of high school, Martin Serna ’07, and Will Sherrill ‘07 However, when asked about their being named dark horses for next year’s cluster title, Skinner and Conte stated, “Shhhhhhhhh the Fireman Coming.” I have absolutely no idea what that means, but perhaps when you’re punishing your body in the weightroom after being inspired by this very article, you’ll understand.
