The Eighth Page

Ask Bartz

Q: I’m horrible at life and hundreds of other kids throw rocks at me. How can I become more popular? A: Popular is cool. Here’s how to be cool: Alternate your North Face and varsity jacket. Always wear a hat, especially a worn out, fraying one. Unless you are on your way to the gym, wear a collared shirt with chinos or jeans that are falling off. Get a Folex. Use a North Face or L.L. Bean backpack, but never put a lot of stuff in it. Keep putting on cologne until it drips from your neck. Go to the library everyday, but only socialize there. Don’t do homework unless it’s going to be checked. Come to class unprepared and never have a pencil. Go to Ryley during all of your free periods. Order out daily. Cut class often. Go to the sleeping room. Sign in late, stay up late, wake up late, skip breakfast and be late to class. Fall asleep during ASM. Have lots of keys on your keychain and cards in your wallet. Show off your driver’s license. Bring mints or gum everywhere. Buy an iPod and brag about how big your music collection is. Show off your cell phone and brag about how many numbers you have. Play your entire ring tone collection in a public place. Own lots of fancy electronics. Use a Mac. Subscribe to a lot of magazines. Act like you don’t like someone who likes you and tell everyone about it. Spread rumors. Talk about how you really have to shave. Buy a Fusion. Talk about how bad Commons is. Be obnoxious at games and campus events. Be in a pep rally show. Hit on freshmen girls. Come to dances late. Run a joke campaign for president. Go to clubs only for the food. Play MeatStik when you aren’t a senior. Sign up to receive the J. Crew catalog. Be interested in photography. Listen to only classic rock. Drink Gatorade instead of water or drink only bottled water. Slouch when you sit. Start a facebook group about yourself. Be rich. Buy me stuff. Call me. Write for features. No permanent naps. Your friend, Bartz