The Eighth Page

USA, China, and… Canada ??!?

As China continues to experience extremely large economic growth, approximately 356% per day in their GCLO (gross child labor output), we in America have begun to fear the new threat China poses for our displacement as the world’s preeminent superpower. When L. Paul Bremer visited to discuss his experiences in Iraq, he also spoke on China’s growth, “China’s growth is like a fine wine and women, it gets better with age.” Although Mr. Bremer was later accused of not even knowing what China is, he speaks the truth. In response to Mr. Bremer’s comments that China is continuing to grow, we must look to the NBA All Star game to see if China is truly gaining on us red meat-eating, oil-loving Americans. Yao Ming had 5 points to LeBron James’s 29. We must take such a complete disparity in stats and use it as a symbol of China’s stance vs. America’s. We are 29-5= 24 times greater then China. I look to Team America: World Police to describe the greatness of America with their song, “America, F*** Yeah”. In Trey Parker’s inspiring song, which I now cite as hard evidence, he illustrates America’s unwavering perfection: “Freedom is the only way yeah, / Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer too, / America, F*** YEAH!” In other words, “heck yeah” we live in America. What other country’s government tries to secretly terminate an Al Qaeda operative posing as a lawyer in Houston by having their Vice President shoot him? I know it isn’t China. Vin Diesel, Chuck Norris, and Jack Bauer could kick Jackie Chan’s hiney. What do you have to say to that China? Obviously China is not a threat if 3 lowly Americans could overtake their lone defense system, Jackie Chan, in less then 24 hours. We must instead switch our focus away from worrying about China and worry about the real threat to America’s superpower status, Canada. We as Americans have been blind to the growing menace that is Canada. Von Hoges, U.S. ambassador to Canada, was recently quoted in Obscure Sports Quarterly saying, “Americans turn a blind eye toward the raping and pillaging Canadians continue to commit along the Minnesotan border. Canada is no more then a land of Eskimos, ice, and Quebec; however we must still take up arms in a fight for freedom against the hockey loving republic.” Despite Mr. Hoges’s drug addiction, I still agree with him in his call to arms of fellow Americans against the Canadian menace. While rumors have circulated that the Canadians have recently placed the deadliest man in the world, their secret weapon, somewhere in America under the name of Charlie Houghton ’06, an alias extremely similar to that of the P.G. running back and god that currently lives on the Andover campus, a strike now would eliminate all doubt of their supplanting America as the world’s superpower. I also challenge the toughness of Canada at the present moment, citing the toughest U.S. citizen to common knowledge as evidence. All I have to say is 50 CENT GOT SHOT NINE TIMES. I cannot think of one Canadian rapper, let alone one Canadian rapper who has been shot, let alone one shooting in Canada in the past 35 years. In this case, we Americans could easily destroy the tree huggers in the North if we act now. My fellow Americans and good citizens around the world, let us heed the warning of U.S. ambassador Von Hoges and go to war with the growing menace of Canada. Turn a blind eye to the baseless threat that is China and make war against the country beginning with a C that we can defeat! Let us regain the land that the Canadian’s so heartlessly took from are fellow Native Americans and in the words of Abraham Lincoln, “squad up.”