The Eighth Page

IOC Reviews Newly Proposed Sports for Winter Games

In this year’s Olympic Games, the International Olympic Committee, headed by Jacques Rogge, had to deal with a staggering number of new issues. Hundreds of proposals for new Olympic sports flooded their headquarters, each thoroughly analyzed and most likely dismissed as ‘inappropriate for the Games’. In recent years, sports such as snowboarding have been added to the Olympics, so there is always hope for new sports. Luckily, through this newspaper’s great connections, this field reporter was able to get his hands on the coveted “Rejected Proposals for Olympic Sports” file. Within the thick manila folder lay a few of the strangest sporting competition ideas ever conceived, and strangely, a naked picture of President Rogge. I guess that’s why he smiled at me and winked when he slid the folder across the table to me at our meeting. The file talks of so many innovative sports that only a few can be discussed within this article (for space purposes, and because many of the events are too filthy to be depicted in print). Seal Hunting, suggested by a man from Norway, would consist of men paddling through icy waters in canoes and throwing spears at seals. It was rejected because the IOC did not want to choose Olympic host cities “based on their seal populations or their hunting regulations.” Hobo stamina, an event proposed by a New York City man whose envelope’s return address simply said “the park” could be deemed an ‘extreme’ sport. In it, hobos from all across the globe, dressed in their native rags and numerous pairs of pants, would brave the cold during frigid winter nights. The last hobo alive would be named Olympic champion! The IOC rejected this sport fearing “the gold medals would be pawned, and the money then used to buy alcohol.” Snowplowing was also proposed, this time by a group of men from Canada. The event would serve as both an athletic competition and as a service to the city hosting the games. The IOC claimed it did not “want to be involved with the rumored steroid problem facing the snowplowing community.” It was rejected for the Torino Olympics, but will be discussed for Vancouver 2012 because of the sport’s Canadian origin. The Yellow Snow Artist competition, anonymously suggested, was quickly turned down. The IOC, in its report, commented, “First of all, disgusting. And we don’t do art competitions; this is the Olympics, dammit.” Snowball fighting was also turned down, despite a strong proposal from an American man. The IOC said, “Snowball fights would be a great deal of fun, but there would be too many variables in the game. For instance, would forts be allowed? Would there be penalties for head shots? And most importantly, how do you win a snowball fight?” Other rejected sports included: Bob Costas Impersonating, Snowmobile racing, Blind People Skiing, Chairlift Operating, Drug Testing, Ice Sculpting, and Curling (whatever that is). Also found in the report were ideas for improving current Olympic sports. One man wanted to see speed skating with less sexually suggestive uniforms, while another person submitted the idea for bobsledding without people, just shoving the empty sled down the icy track. The IOC encourages any other ideas for Olympic sports, but would like the public to know it does not want any “silly, boorish, games imposing on its rich tradition.” So with these smart decisions, the Olympics will likely preserve a long legacy of greatness through such sensible sports as skiing, skating, and shooting targets with a rifle while cross country skiing.