The Eighth Page

Ask Bartz

Q: It doesn’t even feel like I’m married anymore. What can I do to spice up my marriage? A: I have a box of secret tricks that I have developed to bring back that special loving magic in your marriage. I will share a few of them with you. Take your special someone out on a romantic dinner date. You might have heard of a few of the top notch locations around, but nothing really tops your local Taco Bell. With a guarantee of “You’ll love it or we’ll eat it,” you can’t go wrong. Plus, there is a location at virtually every highway exit and they also have all those exotic, delightful flavors of Mountain Dew like Baja Blast and Code Red that promise to keep the both of you up all night. Another trick I have found that works is a classic: Bringing another person in the relationship. This will take lots of pressure off of both of you and in the end, it will strengthen your marriage. This may seem slightly uncomfortable, perhaps awkward, but neither of you will regret it. If you find your marriage isn’t providing enough activity in your life, maybe its time you took up a hobby like collecting. I can’t even describe how turned on your wife will be when she sees your new collection of action figures and comic books. Beware of her added interest in you though; the dramatic change can be quite shocking. Make sure you are stern with her and inform her that “no” means “no” if your love life starts to interfere with your new hobby. The last and most valuable trick I know of is to make her jealous. This may involve paying someone, but it’s worth it. Have her over to help you organize your extensive state quarter collection or hire her as a maid and pretend to be very involved with her. Whatever you do, jealousy is a fail-safe plan. Your Friend, Bartz