A wise man once told me that the great Democracy of America is to the rest of the world, as Tarzan is to the Jungle. King! Simply put, America is the greatest country in the world. If any other country wishes to dispute this statement, I’m sure that America will be more than obliged to sit down and have a nice, simple “arms to arms” meeting with you and your people. Yet, as great as America is, the oldest and most fabled civilization in all of human existence was not built in a day. Therefore, we (as knowledgable citizens) must realize that there was once a far and distant time in the “long long ago” in which America only held the potential to be the greatest Country ever. Let’s explore! In 1492 Christopher Columbus sailed the proverbial “ocean blue”, and invented America. It was here in America that Columbus first encountered our long time pals the Native Americans, who were like regular humans, except more susceptible to eugenics, and painted with the colors of the wind. Nonetheless, word of The New Land (French for America) spread like the plague across feudal Europe. Soon enough, the Good News of America reached the Pilgrims in England, who gleefully hopped the first flight over. The Pilgrims landed their 747-luxury-line on the legendary Plymouth Rock, and with nothing but sheer determination and a handbook entitled How to fool the Native Americans they founded a nation. Sweet. While I give mad props to the Pilgrims for all their troubles, I regret to inform you that they weren’t American but English. And, by some vast stretch of the imagination I can’t even begin to (nor will attempt to) comprehend, England thought they had rights to this, the greatest country in the world. Silly England. Apparently you forgot to read the a little piece of paper I like to call The Declaration of Independence: where it states, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain Unalienable Rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of Ass Kicking.” Needless to say, ruckus ensued and these aforementioned rights were utilized to the fullest extent. England was vanquished. However, what type of objective history would this be, if we weren’t to mention some of the “darker” points in American history? Take for instance the Civil War. Many have speculated as to the exact causes of the bloodiest war in American history, yet the most promising reason for the Southern succession was that the North kept saying “wicked” instead of “very”. This injustice to the English language could not, and would not be tolerated by the South. Therefore, the two parts of the nation decided that it was only proper to throw down in a vicious, no holds-barred, cage match to the death. The North won by TKO when it smashed the South into submission with the steel chair it had stashed underneath the ring. To this day, many Southerners viewed this as cheating, and still claim victory in the name of South. America soon learned from its mistakes, and decided that instead of worrying about its own problems, there was a desperate need to police all of the other parts of the world. Thusly, America entered a stage in its development called expansionism. Much like puberty, expansionism was a very awkward time for America. America, was realizing its manhood, and promptly asserting it via tactical military strikes on other countries. However, we were also coming into contact with our more feminine side by assuring women no positive roll in society! It was during this awkward phase, that America became cognizant of the fact that it did not mix well with other countries, and in a battle for playground superiority, America entered into World War 1. I’ll spare you the details of this virtual snooze fest of a war. Long story short, America owned. Later, America would also venture into two other wars much like WWI, however these wars were not as easily fought. America suffered severe losses, and it is disputed that the Americans might have even lost in Vietnam… Just Kidding. Ha, I had you going there didn’t I. You goose. I mean really what were you thinking: America losing at anything? That’s about as funny as the nineteenth amendment. We owned in WWII, and suffered only minor casualties (7 to be exact), and Vietnam was more like a Jungle Boogie than a vicious war. War is easy, if you’re an American. All of this leads us to America in its present state. Widely considered a panacea, America is in essence a utopia. There is no crime in America, as breaking laws is illegal (a simple policy that is proving highly effective). Currently America is attempting to branch out and touch several other parts of the world with its extendable olive branch so that someday these lucky countries may too live in a perfect world as we do. That’s truly the American Dream.
