The Eighth Page

Ask Bartz

Q: I have a terrible rash “down there.” How should I fix it? A: Gross. Why do you feel you have the liberty to ask me such a disturbing question? Ask Bartz is not a column for losers, and only losers/freaks have rashes, especially “down there”. Thankfully, I have no experiences with rashes, which means my rash solution will include a lot of lies and other good things. Just kidding. But seriously. The first step to curing a rash is to recognize what type of rash you have. I attempted to do some research on the different types of rashes, but that was a big mistake. Within a few seconds, I was subjected to a picture of a rash on someone’s shoulder. Do you have any idea how disgusting rashes are??? Honestly if I got a scar, I would first freak out and then use the completely natural and intuitive solution. Fingernails. Scratching is the honest cure-all for every type of skin problem. Trust me. Don’t listen to your mother when she tells you not to scratch a scar or rash. Scratching is a gratifying, instant solution that you will never regret. The one and only side effect of scratching is even more scratching and this will just end up quickening your recovery. Why do you think you are so tempted to scratch skin lesions? Because it’s the answer! Animal instincts should never be suppressed. If you are feeling extravagant, I recommend buying a back scratcher so you can reach every square millimeter of your body. I know what you are thinking, Why I can’t I just use such and such lotion? Unless you want to be shunned and publicly ridiculed for the rest of your life, I don’t think you should use lotion. Creams are far superior to lotions. I have BenGay’d for 5 years and truthfully, I don’t even know what the heck BenGay is for. So do yourself a favor and grow those nails past the 1/20 of an inch I recommended in my “how to get ladies” article 4 weeks ago. A sturdy nail length of 3/20 inches should suffice if you want to heal any rashes. Do realize that you won’t get any ladies in the meantime. Luv, Bartz