The Eighth Page

NSA- National Spy Agency

As a liberal, I hold many things dear to me: my electric car, my two children Wolfgang and Penelope, my Virginia Slims, and my right to privacy. However, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and President Bush are threatening those rights. After 9/11, President Bush authorized a domestic spying program to be operated by the National Security “Agency”. This program allows the NSA to monitor overseas phone calls, internet activity, and what you are thinking about while you cry youself to sleep every night. When I first heard of this outrageous violation of rights was actually authorized, I dropped my cherry berry wine-cooler and collapsed. It was about 15 minutes after my man servant Felipe had woken me that I realized this heinous program must be destroyed. Hence, I am doing what every good Democrat would do, writing a really, really angry letter and going to non corporate coffee shops. The one person George Bush did not consult was the American people. I highly doubt any partially private school educated citizen would have cast down this spy prgram. If the government was more considerate of the American people’s opinion in the first place, we would have things like free icecream night and federal operated TiVo. Alberto Gonzales, President Bush’s pit bull, argues that this program is perfectly constitutional and “respects the civil liberties we cherish.” He even justified Bush’s actions by comparing them to those of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. First of all Mr. Gonzales, if that is even your legal name, what kind of civil liberties do I have if I cannot even have a conversation with my best friend / hemp grower Juan Diego from Argentina without worry about some slimy government agent recording my every sound? Mr. Gonzales is probably in cahoots with those maniacs who believe owning a gun is justified in the U.S. Constitution! Mr. Gonzales is not even a legitimate politician. Bush discovered him while attending a man vs. dog death match in Mexico. Inspired by Alberto’s stalwart passion for fighting, President Bush decided to hired him as his personal hand-to-hand combat teacher. The two grew extremely close together, and Bush appointed him Attorney General after achieving the rank of crouching tiger. Hence, how can we, as “Americans” take anything Mr. Gonzales has to say seriously? The monitoring itself has gotten out of hand. My 12 year-old daughter Penelope was chatting online yesterday with her boyfriend Drako Slaughter. The two had arranged a meeting at a local movie theatre and it was my duty as responsible father to drop Penelope off. When we arrived, the FBI had arrested my daughter’s 6,7 300 lb Goth man lover. Outraged by this catastrophe, I immediately grabbed my sign and went down to the video store to protest. However I only person I was able to persuade was myself… into renting another romantic comedy. Local republican Corbin Tognoni ’08 and I exchanged words in the town hall meeting. While there, I gracefully articulated my points to the audience with the egalitarian rhetoric reminiscent of the Jackson Era. Mr. Tognoni’s rebuttal was a cackling sound, because he was too busy lighting his cigar with a freshly printed 100 dollar bill instead of formulating a well educated response to my comments. This goes to show how knowledgeable conservatives are when checking names off on Election Day. President Bush and Attorney General Gonzales want you to believe monitoring your every move is the only way to apprehend terrorists. They could not be more wrong. The government should send out a national questionaire, simply with “Are you a terrorist?” followed by a check box. Whoever checkTerrorists wouldn’t be attacking us in the first place if we were nicer to them. Instead of all this spying, we should just all be friends.