ANDOVER, MA- Conner Stoldt, an upper at Phillips Academy Andover, was recently arrested on charges of manslaughter. His actions could best be described as “hobo-hunting,” in the loosest sense of the word. Upon his arrest, a bow-staff and machete were found on his person, along with several plastic shopping bags, which, upon further scrutiny, were found to contain the disembodied heads of hobos. Although Stoldt was unavailable for comment, local hobos and hobo enthusiasts were happy to contribute their points of view. “Man, that ain’t fly,” said hobo Matthew Harris ’07. He added, “Those brothers who was done up by that fella, they didn’t deserve diddly. They was peace lovin’ cats, didn’t mean no harm to nobodies. And now they’se missin’ they’se heads. Can you dig it? Now that there’s a hootenanny if I’ve ever heard one.” The discovery of three headless male corpses in a single dumpster prompted local authorities to investigate. Said Deputy Prateek Kumar ’07, “It was immediately clear that the men had not died of natural causes. I would go so far as to conjecture that they were first disabled via heavy blows to the head. However until the DNA comes back from the lab there is nothing but circumstantial evidence connecting the heads to their respective bodies, and as such there is no way to name the bruising on the heads as a cause of death. Now that’s what I call a sticky situation.” While it remains unclear how the investigation led to Stoldt’s arrest, Kumar seemed sure of his guilt. “All the puzzle pieces fit,” Kumar asserted. “Stoldt has everything: an eyewitness placing him at the scene of the crime, possession of the weapons necessary to orchestrate such brutal slaughter, and boyish good looks. Excuse me, did I say boyish good looks? I meant to say rock solid abs.” Recovering after this Freudian slip, Kumar continued “Unfortunately, Stoldt’s recent searches on Google are not available for public scrutiny. However, suffice it to say that the pending court order will most likely yield some interesting results, involving the search terms “hobos” and “murder.” And while, along with “girls and horses” and “godzilla naked,” these sorts of queries are not uncommon for sixteen year old boys, I can confidently say that, in this case all systems are go.” Kumar’s insufferable clichés, while aggravating, did manage to get the point across: Stoldt is doomed, if that deputy has anything to say about it. Upon a further search of his dormitory, the authorities were shocked to find that Stoldt had amassed quite a large collection of Zoolander-esque “derelicte” attire. Surprisingly, no one had noticed the collection, even though the pile of trash bags in his room was humongous. Notably, Stoldt had been wearing the clothing to all of his classes for upwards of six weeks without objection. The DA is pushing for Stoldt to be tried as an adult. If convicted, he will likely receive between five and twenty years in state penitentiary. Needless to say, the Phillips Academy administration is quite shocked by this flagrant disregard of Blue Book rules. Said one administrative figurehead, “They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.”
