WASHINGTON D.C—President George W. Bush appoints Hermione Granger as 10th justice of the Supreme Court. Over the past several months, the president’s approval ratings had reached all time lows. To resolve this problem, the Bush administration has spent millions of tax dollars searching for a solution. Using the nation’s finest technology and most intelligent scientists, the Bush administration reached a final verdict on Sunday, February 5, 2006. The verdict in question was of course: Hermione Granger. A model citizen, Ms. Granger was not only overqualified for the job, but also very pleasing to the eye. Reports tell us that the President himself had just finished reading the latest book in the popular children’s series and was reported as loving it like no other. “It was the obvious choice,” Bush said, “Anyone who can get ten Outstanding O.W.L.S. is Supreme Court material in my book.” Condeleeza rice was completely for this new appointment of power. “I seem to remember that Hermione was lookin’ pretty fine at the Yule Ball,” Gonzales said with a sly grin. “And not to mention the fact that she is a prodigy at Arithmancy. After all, she is, without a doubt, the cleverest witch at her age.” Few had bad things to say in response to Granger getting on the Supreme Court. However, Conner Stoldt ’07 was very serious about this topic. “Hermione deserves to be on the Supreme Court, but then again she deserves so much more,” said Stoldt. “I think Bush is just using her as eye candy and it isn’t fair to her and those who care for her.” At this, Stoldt burst out in tears. We ended the interview early to give him some time to recover, but sources tell us that he had been one of Hermione’s best friends at Hogwarts, under his real name, Ronald Weasley. One controversial issue that came up during this appointment process was that there were no vacancies for the Supreme Court at the time and no current justice would give up his/her position. “I’d never give up my Justice title to a filthy mudblood like Hermione,” said John Paul Stevens of the current Supreme Court. “It’s just not right to see the American Justice System being stained by the dirty blood of muggle-born kin.” It was later confirmed that Justice Stevens was a certified Death Eater, still active. On Tuesday, February 7, 2006, a law in the Senate was proposed to increase the number of Supreme Court Justices to 10. Many congressmen and representatives were skeptical at first, but after a quick demonstration of Granger performing a successful jelly-legs jinx on a nearby custodian, the people were swayed. The vote was unanimously in favor of the new law and Granger was immediately appointed. There have been rumors about corruption in government and perhaps some illegal use of the cruciatus curse, but none of these rumors have been confirmed. The only thing we know for sure is that the Bush administration was debating on picking either Granger or Chuck Norris. “Hermione already had the robes, so it was just much easier and much more convenient to pick her,” Bush had stated. “Plus, adding Norris to the Supreme Court would have resulted in too many cases ending with a fatal roundhouse kick to the face.”
