The Eighth Page

Colorblind Child Overcomes Adversity

FLINTSTONE, M.d.- A lawsuit was recently placed against the Maryland Board of Education involving a case with a colorblind teenager. 17-year-old Franklin Teller was enraged to discover that he was actually colorblind after a driver’s education course in his hometown. “He just kept running the red lights.” said Teller’s driver’s ed instructor. “I just assumed he was high or something. Hell, I don’t know what was going on. Kids these days, ya know?” Obviously, no one had known. At least not for 17 years. The Teller family tried to trace back into Frank’s life and all of the pieces of the puzzle started to come together. After a trip to the hospital where Frank was born, the Tellers had discovered that his birth records had been accidentally switched with another boy of the same age, Hank Mellar. Mellar was immediately located living in a nearby Maryland town and was informed of his new situation. Mellar was extremely relieved to hear that he actually wasn’t colorblind. “Oh wow. I just can’t believe it,” Mellar said. “My doctor has been reassuring me I was colorblind since I was born. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t the freak of nature I thought I was. I remember when people always became uncomfortable around me when the subject of rainbows came up. But that’s all past me now. Maybe my schoolyard chums will stop picking me last in gym class. Finally, I can stop worrying about being colorblind and focus improving my lack of social skills and body odor problem!” The deficiency that Mellar was wrongly diagnosed with happened to be the most severe type of colorblindness, called Monochromasy. In simpler terms, Monochromasy limits the range of color distinction for the carrier to only black and white. “It’s like living in those old black and white western films,” Teller’s doctor stated. “But it’s more accurately like living in the black and white abyss of hell.” Upon hearing this, Mrs. Teller, burst out in a sea of tears. “I… I just don’t know what to think anymore. I thought my baby boy was perfect. I loved him like no other.” Betsy murmured between loud sobs. Shortly after, she had a look on her face as if she had just seen a herd of wooly mammoths with rabies. When asked about what had just happened, she paused and began to respond. “I just remembered something. Frankie failed kindergarten two years in a row.” Unfortunately, Flintstone Public Kindergarten’s curriculum, like so many others, was mainly based on knowing the colors. “I remember one day, Frankie came home from school and told me that he hated school. When I asked him why, he said he didn’t know the colors, but all the other kids did. We practiced and practiced for hours on end, but Frankie could just never get them.” When asked why she had never questioned this fact, Betsy responded,” Well, I thought he was just stupid or something.” Franklin’s dad, Bob Teller, responded in a similar fashion. “Well, what the hell was I supposed to do?” Bob said. ”The kid was as dumb as a rock. The wife wanted to hire a tutor or something, but well, I wasn’t about to waste hard earned money on some crackpot conman that could read and whatnot. I locked Frankie in a room with a packet of construction paper and sure enough he passed kindergarten that year.” Upon further questioning of Frank, he told us that the only reason he passed kindergarten was because he cheated off a kid sitting nearby. Frankie’s lifelong friend, George Clementine, said that this was going to be a huge blow to Frankie’s ego. Frankie, being two years older than everyone else, was the quarterback and captain of the Flintstone High football team. Upon hearing that he was colorblind, Frankie swore that he would never play football again. Frankie’s football coach was recorded as stating, ”Frankie had an amazing throw, but I always had to wonder why half the time he’d throw a perfect spiral to a man on the other team.” Frankie led the league in both touchdowns and interceptions “I just have to wonder why no one knew until know,” Mrs. Teller said. “We’re suing the board of education because of this ridiculous mistake and maybe we can use the money we win to buy Frankie a new set of finger-paints. Oh wait. Nevermind.” Interestingly enough, only last week, Frankie’s half cousin, living in Springfield, Kentucky, had just discovered he had a sixth toe on his left foot. George Clementine added,”Those Tellers are at it again. They are just plain stupid.”