The Eighth Page

MLK Jr. Day

Maybe I haven’t made myself clear…If there is one thing I hate more than uppity lowers (read: walrus), it is uppity lowers (ditto) who voice their opinions in public domain. Peeing in the snow is not funny, nor will it ever be. Sorry. Martin Luther King Jr. is most famous for his “I have a dream” speech. In which he said, “I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” I too have a dream Dr. King. That one day, pretty little black girls and pretty little white girls, can play together in harmony. In my room. With me. Alone. Let’s make it happen! Continuing on our politically correct path, I would like to venture back in time with you. Step on board my racially equal time machine, and sit wherever you please. There is no hate on my machine. The only discrimination that will occur on this machine will be a discrimination against all those who frown. Where are we going you may ask? The hate-free land of equal opportunity; the welcoming warmth of ethnic respect: Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It must be noted that I thoroughly enjoyed the all-school meeting speaker. He brought so many pressing racial issues to my attention, that I had no idea even existed at all. For example, CRACK is a problem!?!?!?! And to think, all these years I have been eluding to the positive sides of crack. Oh boy was I an ape. From now on, when I’m out peddling crack on the street, I will not sell it to minorities as that would be aiding a problem. It must be dually noted that all of this information HAD to be brought to our attention at 9:30 in the morning, as that is the only time that our brain can comprehend useless facts without questioning their purpose. Also brought to my attention by this speaker was the notion that facts can and do have feelings. Apparently the ASM speaker had befriended thousands of facts in his lifetime; he had even adopted a mantra of: “Facts are our Friends”. Upon further inquiry I learned that the speaker is currently paying each of his useless fact friends two dollars per minute in order that they prolong his pointless lectures (and subsequently keep me imprisoned in the fun jail that is the Chapel). After the one and a half hour “enlightenment”, I was “privileged” to be allowed to attend a fabulous workshop on Portraiture. Upon arriving I was asked to describe how I would want my portrait painted. My immediate response was “so I look like 50 cent” however, this answer was not welcomed with open arms. I thought this was supposed to be a day of non-discrimination. Hypocrites. After my minor faux-pas, I was allowed to look at many pictures of 133 year old hobos (no joke, go check it out) and countless other dead guys. Or should I say non-living entities of equal and individual racial and socioeconomic backgrounds (being politically correct is an everyday thing). These pictures were sweet. Martin Luther King Jr. Day is a day much like Earth Day. Everybody says they love the cause, but no one really wants to sit through an hour and a half “party” actually learning about solutions. Besides, I hate the environment. Shove-it, Captain Planet.