The Eighth Page

The Best of 2005

I never forget what year it is anymore because the Seniors bellow it so often during All School Meeting. Nevertheless, I think it would be somehow unfair to completely ignore 2005 before moving on to 2006 [Editor’s Note: Imagine lots of yelling from Morgan Abraham ’06 at this point]. Therefore, in acknowledging the simple fact that 2005 existed, I bring to you its highlights, in all their glory: -The Michael Jackson Trial: Despite the fact that only in America can a poor black man become a rich white woman, Jackson was acquitted on all counts. More notably, one of his lawyers was an Andover graduate. -Hurricane Katrina: Clearly the fact that the response to this terrible tragedy was lackluster correlates directly to the fact that President Bush doesn’t care about black people. Kanye, you are my rock and my redeemer. -Brokeback Mountain: one of the few Westerns available in which both cowboys get it in the end. An overused joke, but hilarious nonetheless. -Iraq: Watching Saddam Hussein yell angrily constitutes time well spent, in my book. Moreover, at one point President Bush claimed that, with its elections, Iraq was well on its way to becoming the first democracy in the Middle East. Shalom, Mr. Bush. -The pope died: There is actually nothing funny about this at all. God bless, Johnny. -Ariel Sharon has his second stroke in three weeks: According to Rev. Pat Robertson, this is because God hates Sharon. Go figure. -Tom Cruise: Not only did he buy into scientology, a religion that was originally created as a joke, he also married Katie Holmes. Katie, I think you were better off with Batman. -The Chronicles of Narnia: This production not only teaches children good Christian values, it also has resulted in the funniest Saturday Night Live creation in a long time. Double True. Did you see the lecherous look in Mr. Tumnus’ eyes? I’d like to know what he put in lucy’s tea. -Harry Potter: Just to see a children’s book get a PG-13 rating in theaters made my day. Also, the Norwegian Ridgeback was ridiculous. -King Kong: The third movie in a row, but, regardless, quite ridiculous in its own regard. Notably, there is a scene in which Kong tears the tongue out of a dinosaur. -United States – Cuba Diplomacy: That’s just a fancy term for “that time when Fidel Castro called Jeb Bush ‘the fat little brother in Cuba’ in a speech to students at the University of Havana.” If you don’t believe me, you can look it up. -Tookie Williams: Just because a convict writes a bunch of See Spot Run books doesn’t make him an angel. Tookie, I’ve got a rhyme for you: You started the Crips, but as the IV drips, you die a slow and painful death. Sorry bud, but that’s what happens when you kill in cold blood. -Gold Digger: The one smart thing Kanye did this year. -My Humps: my hump my hump my hump, my lovely lady lumps, check it out! -P. Diddy: Puff Daddy to Puffy to P. Diddy to just plain Diddy. Soon it will be just be D, for Dumbo the Elephant. -Saddam Hussein goes on trial: For crimes against humanity such as, genocide, hogging the Doritos, and leaving the seat up. -Lance Armstrong: Armstrong 1, Curtis 2. ‘Nuff said. -Fall Out Boy: Where’s my black eyeliner and my tight pants? Maybe I’ll ask Eliot Wall ’07. -Nick and Jessica: They were only newlyweds for so long before they couldn’t take it anymore. -White Sox won the World Series: No one noticed. -Lindsay Lohan became bulimic: No one noticed. -Hockey’s back: Canada… never mind, no one noticed. -Diet Cherry Vanilla Doctor Pepper: Like anthrax, but with a better zing. -Riots in Paris: Because the rioters eventually succumbed, this too will go down in the annals of history as yet another war lost by the French. -Boy’s Swimming has a shaving party in the shower prior to Interschols: Only notable in that the drain looked like a chia pet. -Backstreet’s Back: All right. And that’s it.