The following is an interview I had for Brown University at the Andover Inn. I met the interviewer in the lounge area as you just walk in. I was wearing a black Brooks Brothers polo shirt and jeans. I wired myself because I knew it would be the best thirty minutes of my life. I walked over to a fairly overweight woman with white hair and a walking cane lying on the ground next to her. She was wearing a large knit sweater with a snowman on the front and she was missing a front tooth. Me: Hey, are you here to interview John Badman? [Woman looks down at a sheet in her hand. Looks up. Forced smile.] Interviewer: Hi there, I am _______, class of ’56. Me: Hi, John Badman, class of ’06. Silent pause. I sit down, and take tater-tots out of my pocket. I offer them to the woman. She ignores my gesture of pushing the tots towards her mouth. I eat the tater-tots. Interviewer: It is absolutely freezing out there. But I am sure you get used to it. Me: I guess. Interviewer: So, I take it you are interested in attending Brown University! Me: Yep. Interviewer: Well, excellent. Me: Yep. Interviewer: Why don’t you give me a little background into your time here at Andover, and we can see what you will bring to Brown. Me: I am very involved in the Andover community. I am a proctor, an editor of The Phillipian, Andover’s newspaper, and I attend meetings with the entire school every Wednesday. Interviewer: Great! Tell me more about the meetings. That sounds important. Me: Well, after class on Wednesday, I walk to the Chapel, and I attend the All School Meeting. I like to refer to it as ASM. [pause]. You know, for All School Meetings…ASM? Interviewer: O.K… so what do you contribute to the meetings? Me: Well Mrs. Chase asks us to turn off our cell phones, so I do as Barbara asks. Then I listen attentively. I try not to talk to the person sitting next to me. Woman looks me up and down, takes her pen, and scribbles something on the paper. I lean over to look. She quickly jerks her hand away so I can’t see, pulls her neck, and falls to the ground. Interviewer: Oh dear, oh dear, I strained my neck again. Me: Get up. [pause.] Interviewer: I can’t. I nudge her with my foot. She starts crying. I lean over and pull her back up onto the chair. I turn her neck so she is looking at me. Me: Are you O.K.? Interviewer: Yes dear, thank you. Me: Where was I? Interviewer: You were describing your weekly meetings. That sounds very interesting. Are you a member of any clubs, John? Me: Actually, I am glad you asked. [I clear my throat, yawn, and raise my voice so a couple sitting nearby can hear]. I am a member of Sam’s Club. Well, the name on the actual card is actually Kate Badman, my mom, but I go there with her. It’s more of a joint membership, but we didn’t want to pay extra. It’s kind of a long story. Interviewer: And what does that club do? Me: Well, basically the membership opens up great deals on buying food in bulk. It’s like Costco or BJ’s… I don’t mean to sound snooty, but it is very exclusive. Woman smiles. I keep a straight face. She chuckles. I stare her down. Silence. Interviewer: Oh, you mean Sam’s Club…the food store… I used to belong there as well. Isn’t it a small world? Me: Well I’m still a member. I shoot her a look. Interviewer: Excellent, John. Now, what are your academic passions? Me: Could you rephrase the question please? [long pause]. Interviewer: What classes do you enjoy? Me: Oh… I would say English. Yeah, Ingles, as they say in Tijuana. [chuckle] I really like to write, and as I said before, I’m an editor. I also have an extensive vocabulary. Interviewer: Well a vast vocabulary sure can help you in any academic setting. If I used the word epidermis, what would you say? Me: Excuse me Ma’am, this is neither the place nor the time, but I am interested I move my hand across her cheek, and silence her words with a finger over her lips. Me: I knew this interview would end up this way. You have beautiful hair, ____. She turns her neck, making a huge crack, and looks at me. Interviewer: Excuse me, what are you doing? Me: I’m not sure baby, but I know what you were doing… coming on to me. Do you have a room upstairs? Tell me it’s on the third floor. She slaps my hand. I growl. She stands up quickly. Interviewer: John, epidermis is a fancy word for skin. I certainly did not mean to send the wrong impression. Me: Oh. She grabs her cane and walks away while talking under her breath. I take out some more tater-tots from my pocket, and eat them.
