The Eighth Page

Mike Jones

I always love Christmas time. It’s the best time of the year. Actually, it is unless you are trying to find a parking space on Greenwich Avenue, in which case you need to become an animal. I got into four separate fist fights over parking spaces this winter, and I didn’t win any of them. I never knew that 5’5” blonde women in Mercedes station wagons could get out of their cars so fast, drag me out of mine and man handle me the way they did. I guess that Valium driven rages are quite common when your only purpose in life is to look good. Hmm. Anyway, below is a letter that I wrote to Mike Jones recently in Charles Frentz ’06 and my plot to get into his next music video. Allow us to preface this letter with our utmost apologies to the supporters of the Wu Tang Clan. For those of you who are not familiar with the leading rap artist Mike Jones, he is a leader in the hip hop/rap field with such hits as “Mike Jones,” and “Turning Lane.” Dear Mr. Mike Jones, Inspiration. Inspiration. Inspiration. You are all three of these things to my good friend Charles Frentz and me. Your ability to command a multi-million dollar singing deal with a leading rap label really assures us that America has a bright and fruitful future. We are your biggest fans. Due to my friend Charles’s “condition,” I feel that you should make his dream of a guest appearance on your next music video a reality. I know that, “ain’t nothing changed but [your] chains, and [you] going to stay the same,” so wouldn’t it be lovely if you helped out a fan like Charles? I would like to quote one of my favorite poetic lines that you penned. In your hit song “Mike Jones” you said, “girls said I was cute, but I was just too chubby, same size, a year later, the same girls want to love me.” Charles is the same way. Ever since his “specialness” started, women seem to flock to him. He knows what you have gone through Mikey. Can I call you Mikey? Anyway, please do consider the possibility of having my friend Charles debut in your next video. The last time I went to visit him, he was laying there crying and holding a picture of you. I swear he whispered, “John, I just want to pop a bottle of Cognac and spray over the bodies of gyrating dancers in Mike’s next video. John, I want to drive a chromed out Cadillac with Mike Jones in the back smoking a fat cigar. Please John, Please…Mike Jones is the most beautiful human being to ever live. He is the reason why I keep living…” Mr. Jones, you have become a leader in the United States. Your art is heard all over Z100, New York’s #1 hit music station. That is huge. You are huge. Literally, man, you’re a fat ass. I know you have diamonds in your grill [editor’s note: please look up all definitions of “grill.” Grill can also mean teeth in the rap industry], and you worked hard for all of your successes, so I will just tell you that Charles and I both work hard at Phillips Academy Andover. Phillips Academy has graduated some of the best: 50 Cent, Lil’ John, Desmond etc. Mikey, they all went here. Give my friend Charles a chance. Respectfully yours, John Badman IV, Esquire. P.S.-Mike Jones, I think that two prep school kids “throwing down” in your next music video is just what you need for your reputation. We can definitely come up with some bling and crunck-juice-filled goblets in time for the shoot.