The Eighth Page

Laffy Taffy

I always wonder what our ’06 class reunions will be like. But I suspect that they will play out something like this: I roll up in a Porsche Twin Turbo to the front of the new Commons (they went with the $24 million plan). I get out, clicking the lock button on my keychain to make the car beep, and stand in front of all of my friends sitting down at linen-covered tables. I am wearing an Italian Suit and am walking with a white cane. My friend Charles Frentz ’06 stands up from talking with Cornelia Wolcott ’06 and walks over. We shake hands. Charles: “John, long time no see buddy.” Me: “Hello, Charles.” Charles: “Nice ride John.” Me: “Thanks Charles.” We are both looking the perfectly polished car up and down. I lick my finger and carefully rub a spot that was already clean. Charles: “John, is that a rental car sticker on the license plate?” Me: [looking down nervously] “Aha. Seems like it could be…[pause, cough] I was wondering why she wasn’t shifting like she used to.” Charles: “John, did you rent this car just to come to this reunion?” Me: “Well, I was going to drive down to Boston for a corporate dinner given by…” Charles: “John, you did.” Me: “Yes.” Charles: “John, you live in my basement. Why do you think I was going to believe this is your car? Now I know why you wanted to borrow that money this morning” Me: “Shhhh.” Charles: “You really need to get a job, John.” Luckily for me, this conversation will not be overheard, because the roaring engine of the 1983 Harley Davidson that Todd Kwao Vovo ’06 is revving will direct everybody’s attention to the other side of the parking lot. That, and Ben Levenback ’06, founder of Levenback Laundry, rolling up in a blacked out Maybach with smoke coming out the back. Owen Remeika ’06 is in Commons taking Jell-O shots off the stomach of some under aged woman. Actually, that is Andres Bobadilla ’06. Chris Cahill ’06 has been circling the reunion for twenty minutes trying to find a place to land his helicopter. Finally, he lands it on the Great Lawn, but does not want to walk the two hundred yards to Commons, so blocks of ice are lined up, and he skates to the reunion, wearing his NHL jersey. Unfortunately for Chris, the NHL doesn’t exist, and he borrowed the chopper for the day from his wife. Besides Remeika and Bobadilla, no Fuess people make it to the reunion. Unfortunately they are still serving their sentences, but on the bright side, they will be out just in time for the 238th reunion. Cornelia gets up from the table to greet her husband, Todd, and get on the back of his bike. Anna Ho ’06 pulls up and smashes into my Posche. The first thing I see is the Golden Chopsticks bag she brings out of her delivery wagon. Anyway, this reunion should be a lot of fun. Hopefully I will see all of my brothers and sisters in the class of ’06 smoking fat cigars on the Great Lawn in 25 years. Maybe, instead, we will meet in Mexico, at the home of Conor Sutherland ’06, at his Shlumper & Co. sponsored mansion.