The Eighth Page

Stop (in the name of love)

First, let me start off by saying that if there is one thing worse than freshmen who write about commons food, its freshmen who write about freshmen who write about commons food. That being said, I would like to direct your attention to a more striking matter on campus. You may not have noticed but something has changed in the library. Something very big, very scary, and very red has lurked up from nowhere, and once again shattered all hopes of enjoyment in the library. I am talking about the ginormous Stop Signs in the library. Firstly I would like to point out that each of those three stop signs cost an inordinate amount of money. For the price of those signs, I could’ve bought another kilo of happiness, or another freshman [or freshwoman ;-)] to carry my bag around. Whenever I see those signs I feel like dropkicking a small child. That, or simply taking his candy. As if I need a giant street sign to tell me where I can and can not speak in the library. Every time I enter the Garver room I feel like a small, malnourished Malaysian child in a sweatshop making shoes while the librarian/slave-driver stands over me and yells “JUST DO IT!” However, when I brought this to the attention of the librarians, they simply responded “They’re no bigger than regular stop signs.” Correct, they are not. However, the librarians forget that large street signs are not typically considered “the norm” in public buildings. Maybe they think that upon entering the library we all turn into cars on the information super highway and that we need those stop signs to tell us when and where we need to stop. Or maybe, they think that we are at the Phillips Academy Day Care, where nap time is required and snacks are supplied. While looking for an alternative to these signs I interviewed many students for their ideas. One proposed that we place two massive dinosaurs in front of the doors to the Garver Room. And if you slip up and speak, BAM! You’re eaten. Another proposed that we replace the librarians with The Rock. And if The Rock smells what you’re cookin’ in the library and it isn’t reading silently you will enjoy a pleasant rendezvous with the “People’s Elbow”, or he’ll regale u with that time he was in a movie… as a scorpion king. Hey, while we’re at it why aren’t there more movies about scorpion kings. Seriously. Getting back to alternatives, how bout we get an interceptor (that little cart that the Andover parking police travel in) for the librarians (read THE ROCK. As a side note, The Rock would ride it as a skateboard cuz he is that badass) to travel in and hand out citations. They would not have sirens though, because that would be loud and unnecessary. Alas, as the old adage goes, if you can’t beat em’ join em’. Hence, if those stop signs are really here to stay we might as well make Phillips Academy the sign capital of the world. How bout a sign in front of commons saying. CAUTION: LUNCH LADY BABES NEXT 500 FEET. Or in front of the Graveyard: NO LOITERING OR EARLY MORNING WALKS (Babs take notice). Especially if we hired The Rock. He would definitely need a sign. And a throne. Announcing to all that he is the undisputed king of all scorpions. SUPER SWEET.