[This article was found in next week’s Phillipian -Editor.] An explosion in Taylor Hall’s methamphetamine lab destroyed the dorm leaving 40 homeless and one dead. Eight students were also hospitalized for smoke inhalation. Despite valiant attempts from the Andover Fire Department and local amateur firefighter Alexa Reid ’07, the structure could not be saved. She rushed to the scene of the fire, but arrived too late because of her stiletto heels. Reid said, “[WHATEVER YOU WANT HER TOO… WITHIN REASON].” The fire began in the dorm’s basement meth lab, where crystal methamphetamine, known on the street as “meth”, was manufactured from Sudafed and other chemicals. Taylor residents sold the meth, and donated all their proceeds to the Andover Disaster Relief Initiative. So far this school year, the dorm has raised over $2000. The drug, which is even more addictive than Facebook.com, acts as a central nervous stimulant, giving the user an “amazing high,” according to Connor Stoldt ’07, local methamphetamine enthusiast. However, the process to make the drug is fraught with risk. Accidents such as these are very common because of the volatile chemicals involved in its manufacture. Freshman girls anxiously combed through the wreckage in search of Chris Cahill ’06’s boxers, while many Taylor residents expressed shock at the tragic events. “Dude, what happened?” asked a glassy-eyed Bob Divers ’07, while Badman said, “I love lamp. Lamp died. So did C-Bizkit. I’m trapped in a glass cage of emotion!” Dan Gabel ’06 sounded the alarm, which allowed all residents except one to escape. “I don’t sleep at all, so I was able to sound the alarm so that many students could escape,” he said. Maura Mulroy ’07 was having an illegal parietal with Eliot Wall ’07, and was handcuffed to the bed. Wall escaped, leaving Mulroy to perish in the flames. She totally deserved it. Dave Holliday ’08 was believed missing, but was later found in the bushes in front of Bancroft, where he was thrown from the third-floor window by super double repeat 20-year olds Matt Silva ’07 and Hunter Thunell ’06. Roomates Jeff DeLong and Spencer Rice, both ’08, were found huddled together in the dryer. “Wow, the dryer was a lot warmer than we expected,” said Rice, at first unawares of the fire. Even Marvin Blugh ’08 survived, escaping from his closet in the nick of time. The administration was quick to react after the fire. West Quad South Cluster Dean Peter Washburn certainly did not say, “I blame Rik Rogers [’07] for the fire, but an investigation will occur.” The former Taylor residents will be housed in the secret underground bomb shelter below the Phallus Statue outside the library. Taylor will be rebuilt before next fall at a cost of $5 million, or the size of John Badman ’06’s portfolio before he invested in ISO. Gabel said, “It’s terrible that we don’t have a place to live now, but it’s OK because I sleep on the couch in the newsroom anyway.” Nick Anschuetz ’08 felt the same way. He said, “Dude, this sucks. Taylor was a sweet place to live. This is totally going to affect my study habits, living underground beneath a giant wang.” After the fire, meth prices on campus nearly doubled, but later recovered after Emma Wood ’07 announced that production of the drug will continue in Adams, calming the many anxious local meth addicts. She can be reached at x6468, and the password is “tiddlywinks.”
