The shoe I’m chewing on is losing its flavor, but at least the texture is still good. I’m on the run from the law. The feds are after me. I’ve heard too much. I’ve seen too much. I’ve seen them naked. But there’s one thing I have that poses a threat to the Man. Knowledge. And knowledge is power. At least it is according to Schoolhouse Rocky who’s a chip off the block, from your favorite red schoolhouse, Schoolhouse Rock! While rummaging through the belongings of my late partner in crime, Sophia Lee ’09, I stumbled upon a secret government file. The file was inside a manila envelope and contrary to my belief, manila smells nothing like vanilla. It’s more of a lavender scent if you ask me. This is exactly what it read: “The following information should not be read by any unauthorized persons and/or super-intelligent chimps. However, the truth of everything below is completely justified, or at least that’s what Steph Xu ’09 tells us. Let us set up a hypothetical scenario. A male youngling from ages 14-18 is doing some homework in his room and then all of a sudden he realizes the meaning of life. But then “My Humps” starts to play on the radio and nothing else matters to him but my lovely lady lumps for 5 minutes and 26 seconds. He forgets what he was thinking about and proceeds with his homework. A ridiculous amount of revolutionary ideas and discoveries have been halted by the musical group known as the “Black Eyed Peas.” Studies have shown that contrary to popular belief, the members of this musical group aren’t actually an item of food. Although the group is commonly mistaken for something you would find in the cupboard, the members of this group actually live in the fridge. An exhaustively expensive program who’s code name is Wasteoftaxdollars has proven that if you play the song “My Humps” backwards there is a secret message hidden inside. If you listen carefully, you can hear the words “spmuh ym” over and over again. And if you pay close attention to this combination of words, you will realize that if you remove the “s” “p” “m” “u” “h” “y” and “m” from the message and add an “r” “e” “b” “e” and an “l”, its spells the word “rebel.” This subliminal message has been exposed to the masses of the United States and immediate action must be taken to offset its effects. Also, on a lighter note, recent studies show that shampoo doesn’t really work. It’s all in your head. Or on your head if you’re an ignoramus. The formula for the basic shampoo consists of pig liver, pig intestines, and shredded up commentary articles that no one has bothered to read. And what makes the shampoo smell so good is a special secret ingredient that has not been revealed until now. This ingredient is toenails. The main of which is toenail donors from Phillips Academy, located in Andover, MA. This is the reason shampoo smells so good. Plus, toenails were chosen over fingernails, for reasons of more flexibility and sex appeal. Band-Aids are a complete scam as well as Kleenex. We just don’t like them. We mean sure they greatly benefit one’s daily life, but you know those people that you see walking around and for some reason you don’t like them. There’s no explanation or reason why not. You just don’t like them. Well, that’s how it’s with Band-aids and Kleenex. A study has been conducted on the usage of underwear among teenage males. The results are in and the nation’s top scientists have concluded that boxers/briefs are basically useless. This is Lawrence Dai, signing off.
