It’s that time of year again. The leaves are falling, the leaves are changing colors, and those guys are out there blowing around the leaves. Basically, this season is all about leaves. But the one event in autumn that doesn’t depend on half naked trees is the coming of the list article. Most people agree with me when I say fast food is funny. I mean every time I hear a joke about how fast food burgers are made out of sawdust, I can’t help but laugh. People these days are so gosh darn original. The best of these jokes concern the king of fast food, McDonald’s. I just want to point out that it is ironic that even with the word “king” in the name, Burger King is still second to McDonald’s. You got to give the Ron-Dawg props for that. So round up your closest buddies and head on down to the local Mickey D’s. They leave the light on for you. Don’t order the burgers though. They’re made of sawdust. Man, I crack myself up. 1. Get a couple of your friends and bring fold-up chairs and blankets to your nearest McDonalds’. Set up the chairs and lay out the blankets right in front of the ordering counter. When 10:30 a.m. rolls around, gaze in awe as the breakfast menu magically changes to the lunch/dinner menu. Be sure to supply sufficient oooo’s and ahhhh’s. For greater emphasis camp out in the parking lot the night before and be the first to enter the store. When there are 10 seconds to half past 10, yell out the countdown as loud as you can and be sure to kiss the nearest customer in line. After doing so, abruptly pack up and leave, being sure not to buy anything at all. 2. Order a Big Mac without the meat or the buns. Observe the worker’s reaction and note it in your lab notebook. If they ask you to repeat your order, just say the exact same thing but 10 times louder. If they still don’t comprehend what you are trying to say. grab the nearest business report and rip it up to shreds. Finish off the job by exclaiming, “And this is what I think of your earwax!” Leave without buying anything. 3. Bring another brand of fast food into a McDonald’s and start eating it. Exclaim how good your food is and be sure to say exactly what you had and how it is so much better than McDonald’s. 4. Bring a scientific scale and weigh your quarter pounder with cheese. If it is not exactly one fourth of a pound, throw it at the cashier and demand another. Repeat as necessary. 5. Pretend you’re the Hamburglar – go behind the desk and steal burgers. Be sure to have the right costume with the black and white stripes and the tie. Have a friend dress up as the purple pear-shaped guy and have him tackle you right before you escape with the burgers. Then, when you are done with your performance, take a bow because you, my friend, deserve it. 6. Pay in pennies, two dollar bills, and Sacagawea dollars. These values of currency won’t show up on the register, forcing the cashier to end up giving you all of the money in the register. Seriously though, I’ve seen the Mickey D’s registers up close. The screen calculates everything and it even displays the exact amount of change in pictorial form. If your change is 35 cents, a large gray circle with a number 25 in it and a tiny gray circle with a 10 in it will appear on the screen. Now that’s what I call technology at work. 7. Claim that your triple thick milkshake is only double thick. Dump it down Eli Grober’s ’09 pants. He’ll be good for it. He told me so. And now I shall put to death what shan’t hath ever lived. My first desperate list article.
