As an avid journalist in a field of hard working, low-compensated intellectuals whose only power is through words, I find it hard to keep a non-biased view in my reporting. So, when I was assigned by the editor, myself, the task of checking out the caliber of hotties on the PA campus, I sought many varied opinions. Enjoy: I first tried to set up an interview with my roommate, Chris Cahill ’06, but his secretary said he was in a meeting. In Chris’s office, a meeting means a parietal, and so it was a perfect time for an interview. I walked out of my room, past the secretary, Dave Holliday ’08, and I put my ear to Chris’s door. Chris whispering to the girl: “Did you buy the whipped cream like daddy told you to? [Girl says something]…Yeah we’ll make a banana split”. I decided that because I like ice cream, and because Chris always lets me join in on the fun when he has girls over, I should just barge right in. Well…I was right! We had Haagen-Dazs with cherries on top until I felt sick. Man, Chris sure knows how to make the girls happy. He was going to be a great person to talk with. However, when Chris left to walk his girlfriend back to Nathan Hale, I had extra time to interview somebody else. Andres Bobadilla ’06: the man, the myth, the legend. When Andres isn’t whale-watching off the coast of the Dominican Republic, he is entertaining underclassmen girls with vigor and die-hard enthusiasm. Andres embodied every journalist’s dreams of somebody with clarity of thought, personality, and approachability. The interview was conducted in Spanish, and after being translated by my secretary, Foster Jebson ’08, this is what I had: Me: On a scale of 1-10 pesos, how would you rate the girls here at Andover? Ten being the highest. Andres: I would say a strong 9. The girls here are just beautiful. Me: Could you tell me what you look for in a girl? Andres; She would have the really soft hands. I want a girl with long, stringy hair. She should have a strong back too. Me: Why does she need a strong back, Andres? Andres: Because when you are unloading thirty kilos from the back of a Miami bound… I mean, because I like the piggy-back rides. Me: How is it that the girls are so attracted to you? Andres: I think they are all snake charmers. And my Dominican anaconda, Lucile, who I keep with me at all times, really helps my game. Andres had to leave for a cluster soccer match. Luckily for me, Chris returned, but was too upset to talk. His girlfriend missed freshman 8 o’clock sign in, and she was on restriction. So I had to go to the ultimate source…the admissions office. I wanted to see how many points an attractive girl was given on an evaluation sheet. I looked closely at the documents provided by an unnamed source, and found that they were taking the absolute value of the girls’ looks. There was a flaw in the equation. I couldn’t believe nobody had checked the list, and quickly changed the numbers to a + number. Phew. Too bad I won’t be around next year to reap the benefits of my hard work as an investigative journalist.