Due to certain legal obligations, I will offer more advice for making your classes at Andover a bit more interesting. Enjoy. Walk into class 15 minutes late, yelling into your cell phone, “sell, sell, sell”! When your teacher reprimands you, ask them if they know what it is like to cut losses on twenty thousand pork belly commodities. When in your foreign language class, only speak English. When the teacher yells at you in the other language, get really frustrated that they are being so rude as to jumble their words. Walk out of the class enraged. Only do your homework for first period of the next morning. During first period, do second period’s homework, and so on, until the last period. Feel free to bring stuffed animals to class. Put them in a chair next to you, and introduce them at the beginning. Half-way through class start yelling at them. Make up random religious holidays, and refuse to work on them. Give your teacher a three week notice, and explain that you cannot talk the whole day. Light ceremonial candles during class. Always call your teacher by their first name. When they correct you, act like you are offended that you are not at “that level” of understanding yet. If they call you by your first name, quickly correct them. When you feel like singing, sing. Rearrange the chairs right before the bell rings, and sit directly in front of somebody. Keep moving your chair until somebody says something. Send out emails telling everybody not to show up to class the next day, because the teacher is sick. Be the only one to show up, and say that everybody else is down town. When your teacher calls on you, look at him or her and just smile. Act like you are wearing ear plugs, and you just can’t hear them. Actually, just wear ear plugs. When a peer makes an articulate contribution to the class discussion, mumble under your breathe, “brown-nosing son of…” until somebody calls you out on it. Whenever you have a lab in Chemistry mix everything you are given. Taste the ingredients. Spill water on yourself, yell, “it’s burning my skin,” and enjoy an emergency shower. Get naked in the shower. Safety first. Wear only a robe to class. Talk with a thick English accent. After every test, report somebody who you thought may have been looking around a little too much. Repeat every test, with the same conviction, until your teacher tells you to knock it off. Whenever somebody does not do well on a test, laugh. Just laugh. Make up a sport, and tell your teacher that you need to leave early because of it. Repeat this everyday until somebody catches on. Draw provocative and tasteless things on your desk. Ask your teacher at the end of class if you can keep the desk, because you are so fond of your work. When they say no, tell them they need to pay an artist fee every week for showing your work. Whenever seated in a circle, get up and start playing Duck-Duck-Goose. Always pick your teacher as the goose, and run really fast. Hit a desk hard. Cry. Wear a Star Wars costume to class. Speak like the character. Might I recommend JarJar Binks? Ever tried to chug a gallon of milk in under an hour? How about half a gallon during a Physics 300 test?
Subscribe to The Phillipian Newsletter!
Read the week’s top stories from The Phillipian, curated for your inbox. Subscribe here!