I’m sitting on my living room couch. The air is damp with the smell of hot pockets and man- sweat. The lights are broken because I smashed the bulbs in a drunken rage the night before. The only light that illuminates the room is the subtle flicker originating from the television. I take a bite and look down at my ketchup stained wife-beater. Life is tough, but I gotta` live it. Suddenly Dr. Phil disappears and a large Ukrainian womAn appears on the tele. “Tonight’s winning numbers are : 7, 37,45896,log 9, and 2/3. Hail the mother country.” I got up from the seat of gluttony and proceeded into the kitchen. The table was a mess; parking tickets and dog food were everywhere. I don’t even own a dog. Suddenly something caught my eye. A lottery ticket lay face up. It read: “Ukranian Funneled Lottery. Your number is 7, 37, 45896, log 9, and 2/3.” I couldn’t believe it. I walked down to Rodriguez gas station and redeemed my ticket. So now I have all this money, and no idea what to do with it. Hence, I did the only thing I know how to do: ask other people for their opinions. I received a plethora of responses. Melissa Chiozzi ’06 said I should buy her something. The young and restless Corbin Tognoni ’08 recommended “spending it on fine art.” I was somewhat dissuaded to pursue any of the above, so I decided to sleep on it. That night I had a dream about Robert Goulet. So I awoke the next day, determined to find an answer to my problem. I continued asking around. The first person I ran into was Joe O’Hern ’07, who somewhat resembles a mix between Cookie Monster and a grizzly bear. He responded genuinely. “Potatoes and beer are the only things a man needs in life.” Wise, oh so wise. However, it wasn’t long before I crossed paths with my partner in crime, Nick Bowen ’06. Nick had just returned from living in Mongolia with a family of wind-battered herders. I eagerly asked him, sensing he would give the answer I was so desperately seeking. “Invest in human flesh……….” He then swung his auburn hair about and crawled back into his cave. However the best response came from Dave Toropov ’07, who said I should “spend it on emotions.” After long contemplation, I came up with my own solution. In my back yard there is an inflatable pool filled with 1 million dollars. On hot summer days, I go out there to relax with a martini on the rocks while Miles Davis plays in the background.
