The Eighth Page


Last Friday, Badman and I were having our weekly Features state of the union meeting, trying to come up with our most creative theme ever. So there we sat in Andres Bobadilla ’06’s room, John in his smoking jacket, me completely naked, trying in vain to come up with a suitable theme to represent our talents. Sticking to my seat in the unseasonable heat, I stood up and decreed, “Bah! This is going nowhere! I’ll tell you what the theme is right now, it’s Features takes a shower!” “Eureka!” cried John, because he’s the sort of guy who yells out ‘Eureka’, “that is our theme!” And so it came to pass that Features takes a shower became the theme of the week. As such, I felt it my duty to report on the state of showering on campus, specifically listing, as many have asked me to do in the past, my favorite showers on campus. The first that comes to mind, if only due to nostalgia, is the Rockwell shower. Though seldom used, this shower is easy to identify due to the enormous piles of clothes lying outside it when in use, as juniors tend to dress up in full ski regalia on the way to the shower, lest someone catch a glimpse of their feminine hairless chests. Another noteworthy feature of the Rockwell showers is that at least one of the handicap showers has a bench to sit on, which is probably the weirdest experience known to man. Another shower that holds a spot close to my heart is the shower of pre-renovation Fuess. Though there are few who remember such showers, those who do will be quick to point out that the stalls featured not one but two shower heads, and more rust than you can possibly imagine. If you think that sounds gross, don’t forget to add the fact that my former-roommate Gordon Murphy ’06 used to eat in there. Seriously. Next, there is The Transporter 2. While not a shower of the traditional sort, it is a shower of non-stop action and thrills. If there is any movie that features more second-rate action bang for your buck than Transporter 2, I’ll eat my hat, just not the ‘Sportscenter’ one. I like that hat. Moving back to less figurative showers, and onto more literal showers, some of the old campus standbys are the showers of the boy’s locker room. Giving you 10 seconds of water for every push of the button, these showers are especially notable because of the way in which Paulino always knows how to adjust the temperature just how you absolutely hate it. 95 degree day in June? The showers are probably hot enough to melt a bar of soap. -14 degree day in January? You’ll have ice in your hair before you even leave the shower. Add this to the fact that since I have FIT at 11:05 PM, and if you forget to go during second period to get a clean towel, you get to dry yourself off with paper towels, which is an experience I can’t recommend highly enough. Also, the locker room is the only place in which you can see members of the varsity hockey team doing the “helicopter”. Which is, um, about as bad as it sounds. I