The Eighth Page

The Relentless Haze

The wet and gnawed, bubble gum cigar I’ve been chewing for the last two weeks is starting to taste funny. But that’s okay, because I have an awesome dorm room this year, one that every pasty chubby kid would adore. Fancy electronics, retro posters and stylish furniture are not needed to make an awesome room. If you were wondering what makes my room so special, continue reading, because the laugh train rolls on. I present to you: The Guide of Stuff to Have in Your Room to Make It Moderately Cool, and Possibly Appealing to Girls. 1. Air Freshener. This one is a must. After ordering my usual Golden Chopstick combo special, my room smells well, what it would smell like if you could deep fry grease. Get one of those Plug Ins, and set it too “So Strong You’ll Be Sick of this Flavor Before You Get Back from CVS.” 2. Polident Denture Cleaner Tablets on Your Desk. So I’ve got kankles, big deal. So I’ve got no facial hair, no problem. So my girlfriend isn’t a real person, that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is when my metallic blue retainer is caked in crud from being slapped on the roof of my mouth for days (Any girl who just read that will never go near me again. But same with any girl who did not read that). You’ve got to have the best when it comes to orthodontic equipment maintenance, so spring for Polident. And check out the face on the teenager who rings up your things at CVS. I usually say “Just the Polident for me, none of that Fixodent garbage.” 3. Pictures of Friends from Home. To make your friends at school think that you were cool at home, which, if you are reading my articles, you obviously weren’t, you have to have evidence. I usually clip out pictures of attractive people from magazines and put them on my walls. People ask who all the gorgeous people are, and I, without looking up from my National Enquirer, say, “Oh, just some friends from home…Just some totally normal friends of mine from home.” If they ask why all of your friends are smoking Camel cigarettes, immediately change the subject to bird watching or hobos. 4. Dry Erase Board with Lots on It. The one thing that makes people think your cool is them knowing that you are a very, very busy person. I always cover my dry erase board with important business that I need to take care off. Here’s an example of what my board says now: -Math HW, Buy Soap, Learn Self Defense, and Grow Beard. Your friends will know that you’re cool when they see how busy you are, and that you don’t just sit in your room watching the OC DVDs crying. 5. Smart Looking Book. When you’re at the airport with a layover, or in a bookstore because you know the bathrooms will be clean, buy a smart looking book to impress your friends. Something with a bold title usually works, or something very simple. Anything abstract will do fine, just nothing that anybody could possible comment on without the fear of sounding dumb. My books are ‘The Relentless Haze’ and ‘Scarlet Moon.’ These will surely impress the ladies. Well, I think it would impress them, no girls come to my room. So, get these five simple items and have the coolest room ever. Then, you might win some free Bertucci’s pizza. But more importantly, girls might consider the slight possibility of rejecting you in a gentler way. Seriously ladies, lighten up.