The Eighth Page

Hippy Love Fest

I’m sweating bullets. It’s 3:00 a.m. and I’ve still got about three pages to go on my English paper. I look at my assignment book. MATH HOMEWORK TOO? Erroneous ! Finally I become overwhelmed by all the work, and begin to sob. But hark! What is this? My cell phone is ringing! Who in the name of Dionysus could be calling at such an un-earthly hour? I answer the phone. It’s my friend, Petey. “Yo maaaaan. I was just wondering…uh…. Could you like pick me up dude? This party is crazy, and for some reason my pants are missing and there’s a bullet lodged in my sternum. And walking home with no pants on is like… uh.. Asking for trouble.” “By King George!” I replied. “Why ever would you be partying on a school night? Do you truly harbor such a lax attitude toward your scholarly inquiry?” “Nah ese`, it’s April vacation.” The words hit me harder than a moose during mating season. April vacation. Some thing all my friends who don’t attend PA get to indulge in. It’s not the fact the vacation is in April, it’s the fact everyone else’s vacation is in April as well. While every other high school in the country has memorial day, labor day, and other holidays off, PA students have school. And when we do have days off, they’re for obscure reasons. “Students, there will be no school today in order to commemorate the international Hippy love-fest of 1973. Enjoy your Thursday!” You know most people figure, with the single days off, that we don’t celebrate American holidays because we have international students, who don’t celebrate them. Now don’t get me wrong, I love international students, with their flamboyant hair cuts, and stylish clothing, but we go to school in AMERICA. WE HAVE THE NUKES, SO WE MAKE THE RULES. In fact, all countries should celebrate American holidays. Why? Because we can make them, Punk. So, being the natural scholar I am, I went around the country asking people what they thought of the schools vacation policy. Texas residents were shocked, and claimed it to be an injustice. While in Baton Rouge, on Cajun had this to say: “ Ber guhlurp a bit- chogogo diggity diggity diggity.” He then continued to make the sound a mother goose makes when it lays eggs. I’m sure the New York residents were angry too, but I passed out from the smell of their breath before I could write down what they were saying. I then traveled to the far off land of Wisconsin. There I ran into a tribal type of people, who worshiped a monolithic cow statue. When I attempted to speak to them, they hurled their handcrafted cheese spears at me. However they failed to realize my mutant power is the ability to manipulate cheese, so I turned the stuff into a ‘gat and popped a few. So BAM! There’s the general consensus. So Phillips Academy, when it comes to vacation, you pretty much gotta` step up your game. I mean sure, three weeks off in spring is sweet, and having a month off in December is amazing, but I’m a very lonely person, and I really don’t feel like going to campus to hang out on my days off.