It’s 7:55 a.m. Eastern Standard Time. You rush into the PACC with the hope of finding an open computer. To your surprise you spot one in the far corner of the room. You dart over with the speed of an ADD cheetah and seize the seat. History is first period, and if you don’t print out that essay, you’re going to fail school and scrounge for work until you turn sixty and can live off of a state pension. Pressure builds. You type in your username, followed by a random 60-digit letter and number password. You hit enter. When BAM! A little window pops up saying “Could not locate server,” Instantly, your heart becomes colder than Common’s Slush on horse steroids. Suddenly blood rushes to your face, and with your monitor you impale the small, studious freshman sitting in the seat beside you. Folks, this has happened to me approximately 17.3 times this year. And each time I’m left with a missed assignment and a body to dispose of (the dumpster in OPP behind Fuess can only hold so much). OH GOSH MR.CANNON, WHATEVER CAN WE DO TO AVOID THIS FROM HAPPENING TO US? DUH-UH- ERR Hence, as the campus Oedipus, minus the whole sleeping with your mother and killing your father part, I’ve decided to solve this sphinx’s riddle of constantly missing assignments. So here’s another facetious, although taboo, feature’s do it yourself lists. BAM! 1) Do not leave for school at 7:50 a.m: yeah I’m lazy, but a certified gangsta like me needs his sleep. 2) Start your homework before the Tonight Show with David Letterman: for some reason his crazy antics and zany, yet truthful, comments on current news get me in the mood for some H-Dubya 3) Do not write for The Phillipian: it’s horrible… they whip you….. then poke you with cattle prodders…. then Gabel gets out his clown suit. [EiC Note: Whatever Cannon, whatever…] 4) BEWARD THE IDES OF MARCH: don’t ask questions, just do it! 5) Don’t get really thirsty while typing an English essay and attempt to drink the fluid inside your LCD monitor. I’ve tried this a couple of times and now I make the mating sounds of a male ostrich whenever a movie with Jodie Foster comes on TV. 6) Finally, don’t read anything written by Dahve Kurtis, ’07: frankly you’ll get sick of pirates and ninjas after the first 3 sentences, and will then attempt to commit ritualistic seppuku to purify yourself of the monstrosity you just witnessed. So BAM! Looks like I’ve saved another day. You know, everyday, harems of beautiful women come up to me and say: “Oh Will, you conqueror of conquerors, you man of men, how ever do it?” It’s at that moment when I pop the collar of my leather jacket, light one end of my crooked cigarette, and rev the engine of my Harley Davidson. I then tilt forward my dark sunglasses revealing a raised eyebrow. “’Cause its what I do,” I then hit the kickstand and ride off into the sunset. Notice how once again I manage to completely digress from what I was originally talking about to something completely unrelated. I’m sorry to all of my English teachers who have had to read all of my essays. Seriously.
