So I suppose all you little kiddies out there are probably shivering in your multi-colored flannel jackets, intimidated by probably one of the most decisive factors in your lives, final exams. Now some of you are probably doubting the fact finals will actually affect you out of school. Nay, my friend, you could not be anymore wrong. Let’s say you do poorly on your finals. Next thing you know you’re going to Redlands, and what happens after that is pretty much explanatory. In order to prevent this dismal life, I have some key pointers. The following list has helped me maintain a solid 2.0 average on my PA finals for the past years. Just stay away from these things on the night before a final and you’re money. 1) Do not go to joke-a-roo.com the night before your final. I remember I did this one night last year, and when it came time for my math final the next morning all I could remember was what a fat kid practicing Jedi maneuvers with a broom handle looked like. Needless to say I still passed because it was Math 100. 2) Do not take a cab ride home with an ex convict named “Fingers”. Yeah, this one’s pretty self explanatory. 3) Do not pray to Anglo-Saxon pagan gods. As soon as I began to take my test, the paper burst into flames, my pencil turned into an poisonous snake, and a rabid dog came into the gym and decided he just had to bite me. Worst of all, my nose became really itchy. Last time I ever sacrifice a cute bunny via microwave to please the gods of my ancestors. 4) Do not have a conversation with Will Allen ’05. I ran into him on my way back from the library. The next thing I know I had been listening him describing the flaws in the “I Like It That Way” music video for 7 hours. Soon afterward I returned to my dorm room, took off all my clothes, huddled in the corner, and cried myself to sleep. 5) Do not take the red pill. If you take the red pill, you’ll see how deep the rabbit holes really go, and wake up in an apocalyptic future where machines use humans for a source of energy. Either that or you’ll get really, really stoned. 6) Do not watch the O.C. Oh, sure its starts off nice. You watch a couple of enthralling episodes here and there, enjoying the beautifulness of all the cast members. Next thing you know, you’re disregarding all respect for other commitments and selling yourself on the street just to buy season two on DVD. 7) Do not read commentary. This will just put you to sleep when in reality you need to be taking study drugs in order to cram in all that super minute useless information that might be on the test even though you know it isn’t going to be. 8) Do not try to study by liquefying text book pages and injecting them into your brain. I tried it once, and for some reason now I enjoy eating dog food. Well, there you have it. Just steer clear of these eight do-nots and your finals should be more dead than democracy in Iraq. And on that note, it’s time I return to the place where you never grow old and kids play and have fun all the time… except for fat ones.
