The Eighth Page

Cheetah Print Sheets

Some say Upper Year is a lot like ‘Nam. Nobody knows why it happens, not everybody survives, and when it gets tough, Uppers find themselves face down in the metaphoric rice patty that is the History 310 term paper. But what happens when the fighting is over and our boys are brought home? It’s senior year baby. Some come back mentally destroyed, and climb clock towers with Uzis, and others have the times of their lives. I’m looking forward to Senior year like Michael Jackson looks forward to milk and cookie time at Neverland Ranch. I’m looking forward to it like Britney Spears looks forward to shopping at trailer parks for her next husband. You could say I’m looking forward to Senior year like Bush looks forward to invading North Korea. You probably get the point. Next year I’m going to be a proctor in Taylor Hall. I have a three room double with the legend himself, Mr. Christopher Cahill ’06. We’ve thought long and hard about our interior designing. With a three room double, Cahill and I have a lot of lee-way in terms of possibilities. One idea was putting our work desks and chairs in the small rooms, and just having an XL king size bed in the center of the huge common room. The king size bed would be oval, have a built in motor for clock-wise revolving, and with a couple quarters, it would vibrate. This would all be wired so that at the flick of a switch, the room lights would dim, a disco ball above the bed would be lit from the corners of the room, and the bed would revolve and vibrate. This design may include a fog machine and CD player playing rain-forest noises. Chris said that reminded him too much of visiting his relatives in Vermont, so we nixed it, but decided to add a conspicuous web-cam above the disco ball. The bed would have cheetah print sheets with a canopy made out of pink silk. We’d keep a couple freshman girls lying on it in questionably tasteless poses for photo shoots, and such. Gaming is another possible motif including the new Xbox 360, and no, not the new Play Station. We would have a projector shooting the games onto a wall across from where we would sit. A seven foot sofa would be installed for many people to sit and play. We would have to then invest in a surround sound speaker system, and a henchman named “Snapple” or “Susan” to unlock all of the levels for us. After offering this position to Eliot Wall ’07 declined, so, we turned to James Kelly ’06. The bed and gaming ideas didn’t quite work out, because my sugar mama recently cut me off, and with my parents hiding from the IRS in Mexico, IIt’s hard to obtain real cash. Chris and I have since realized that the best way to use our $500 budget would be employing an illegal immigrant to clean our room. Unfortunately, my sisters are already both working at a textile mill next year. It looks like we aren’t going to lure women into our room with a revolving bed or amazing media center. Chris and I are going to rely on our amazing looks and reputations to con the women into Taylor visits. Did I mention I’m looking forward to next year like Bill Clinton looks forward to a nice, slow-burning Cuban? I’m looking forward to Senior year like Tiger Woods looks forward to going home to his wife after a good round of golf. I’m looking forward to next year like you are looking forward to the end of this article.