The Eighth Page

Arby’s Lunch Special

It’s that time again. Five roast beef sandwiches for four dollars at Arby’s. Oh, and exams are here, too. After two rounds of finals behind me, I’m hoping to just bulldoze through this final obstacle between me and my sweet, sweet summer (not that I’m doing anything – except, of course, reading all of the English Departments “Suggested Books” list at least twice. That and writing a book about my time in the army). I’d say that I’ve developed a pretty efficient plan for handling exams. Like a Greek warrior before he departs for a treacherous battle, I too make a humble sacrifice to assure my success. I, being afraid of rabies and all animals with teeth, head down to CVS and purchase two small stuffed animals. With the critter lying limply in my hand, we trudge through the muddy field next to Isham and towards the woods. I know that the creatures residing in the woods will treat me well and give me luck on my finals after my sacrifice. After all, we have always had a gentle understanding with the creatures that live beyond our borders. With the offering made, I head back to my dorm to continue my devious plans. In my room, I get rid of all conceivable distractions. First, the second season of ‘Crossing Jordan’ on DVD. Tears splatter its worn cover as I slide what got me through winter term under my bed. Next, with hesitation, I burn all of my Ace of Base albums, even the “Behind the Scenes: I Didn’t See the Sign – We’re Washed up.” After I stripped his bed, using my friend’s sheets, I covered my window so that the only light in my room came from the flickering glow of a midget’s drooping cigar – his face erupting with an eerie shine with each breath. When my eyes fell upon him he knew it was time for him to go. After performing my favorite Irish step dance one last time, he was on his way. Tears streaming down my face, drenching my beard, I looked around my room. All that remained was a copy of the movie Gigli; all distractions were gone. Finally, the last step of my evil plan (I like to call it an evil plan because that make me sound cool and daring – like James Bond or Elmo before his drug problem). Actually studying for finals is the greatest way to do well on them. So, because I had about a half hour until my first final began I figured: Why not give it a shot? First of all, never study hungry. I ordered up some Golden Chopstick and a party length sub from King’s. After I’d knocked off the Chinese food and half of the sub (The midget came back and had the other half) I got to work. I put many, many Spanish vocabulary words on index cards. Then, I threw all 300 of them in the air and danced to “99 Red Balloons” for about fifteen minutes. Well, I guess my plan for finals isn’t as stellar as I had hoped it would be. But, I managed with finals last term, and I think I can do it again. As long as the Terminator movies don’t come true. Oh lordy I hope they don’t come true.