The Eighth Page

Paris Hilton

As I near the end of my Upper Spring, I have and stumbled through all the hundreds of natural obstacles that every Upper suffers during their most important term of enrollment here at Andover. Perhaps the most decisive time in my life, and I still manage to procrastinate and fool around with a $30,000 price tag that my parents financed so willingly. One of those so important tasks that I have been stubborn to begin is the Upper History Research Paper, which will probably be due around the time that this article is published (so if you don’t see me for the next couple of days, you’ll know what that means). I feel so helpless at this point, like in that Chappelle episode where he pops up and might say “Procrastination! It’ll make you feel crazy and get you sc**wed in no time!” To help others involved in this process and add maybe a little flavor to another week’s yet-again, “mild” article, I have composed some possible theses, topics, or ideas maybe to toss around. Check em out… – How about an investigative report on the history of Andover’s Phallic Statue? Maybe it can include the method to its erection, and what the sculpture could possibly have been thinking? Was he a sketchball? Maybe “artistically talented”? Also, the writer could speculate over the uncertain future of Andover’s great sculpture. – Maybe a historical review of AHS and PA student confrontations. This would be great given recent circumstances, as well humorous and insightful. Maybe a “Top Ten” of greatest drive-by lines should be created, like: “Hey, you suck”, “Hey, PA sucks”, and “Hey… you suck again”. – A biographical review of John Badman, and possibly a thorough look into his criminal record, which most likely consists of numerous charges, lots of bail money, and unfortunate happenings with jury members. One could also look into the history of many of the other Badman’s, like the II and III, and then try to figure out exactly what went wrong. – Maybe a look into Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, and then use this to try to figure out went wrong. There must be sometime valid or interesting… – An in-depth biography of Paris Hilton, including a photo portfolio and personal accounts of her life. It might not be relative to US History, nor very helpful to your development as a scholar, but it will probably guarantee you a 6 if you can approach it cleverly enough. – How about a list of the greatest DC offenses, and try to decipher exactly which are true, which are wrong, and which are just… interesting to say the least. Even though I have only been here a year, I’ve heard enough about bandwidth violations and Samurai swords that I think I might take up this option on my own. – Figure out how almost every successful person from the school has, at one point, received a major disciplinary punishment and still managed to be huge in the real world. In fact, wasn’t the guy in Casablanca kicked out for throwing his cluster dean in Rabbit Pond. Or how about Buzz Bissinger, didn’t he mention he was on Probation? I think a valid paper could probably have the Cluster Deans working overtime for these next couple of weeks. So there goes my list, and honestly any of these will probably beat whatever I have for my History Research Paper at this time. I really don’t think my teacher really felt for the Geisha paper, nor my attempt to review American culture via popular movies, so I am almost at a loss for any topic at this point.