According to my sock monkey, Rico Elanzo Beyonce Miguel Jose Miguel Emilio Manuel Antonio Preston Smith III, there are several pressing issues of investigative journalism, which pending further investigation, I will neither affirm nor deny to be true. They are as follows: The Muffalleta Scandal: Before explaining this I would like to ask you two questions. First, have you ever tried the Müffalæta? Me neither. Second, have you ever tried to spell mufalettta? I have. Three times. I got it wrong all three times. With these two facts in mind, I would like you to consider the remot possibility that Commons is part of an international cocaine smuggling operation. Consider the facts. Most commons workers speak in a secret code that I don’t understand, and nobody ever eats muffffffaleta. They probably have it all worked out so that they’ll only serve you the “muuffaleeta” if you tell them the secret password. Last week it was “I Live in Day Hall.” Don’t ask me why I know. But anyways, how perfect is this system? Pretty darn close, I’d say. I mean, that stuff’s nastier than last week’s noodle incident. Last Wednesday at Commons duty I even heard them saying “gringo” a lot and pointing at me. That’s probably code for their “product”, or something. How the heck should I know? I take Latin… The Librarian Scandal: From personal experience, I’ve found that if there’s an international drug smuggling ring, there are probably at least three inept members of the U.S. government attempting to track them. For our so-called muffalalalafaleta scandal, those agents are our very own Phillips Academy librarians. They’re clearly not very good at their job, since they’ve been tracking false leads throughout the library and haven’t ever really seemed to get much further than that. Maybe it’s all the white powder left behind by some of Phillips Academy’s more disreputable students that’s been throwing them off the scent, or maybe they just really like yelling at teenagers, but either way, they’re not doing a very good job. Also, I just like talking about the library because I’m a day student and it’s one of my few social outlets into the Phillips Academy community. I wish, I wish, I wish I had a car. Blaine Austin is actually a country-pop diva – there is a reason for the beard after all! Once I caught him in his back room wearing sequined boots, chaps, and a genuine Stetson cowboy hat, crooning sweet sweet lullabies to his loyal and enamored fan Paulino. I immediately recognized his trademark soft and lilting country-song voice, similar to the noise made when a kitten is shot out of a cannon. Prateek Kumar ’07 is a vampire: It’s true! He sleeps during the day and sucks blood at night, plus he fears garlic. I hear that he eats kittens, worships the devil, and he’s running for Upper Rep on the platform that babies taste better baked than broiled. Also I’m pretty sure he stole the bell tower. One day I saw him sucking unicorn blood in the forbidden forest in order to foster immortality. What more proof do you need? In conclusion, it’s harder than you might first think to partake in investigative journalism… while undercover as a sock puppet. Therefore, while I apologize for the lack of quality information in this article, in my own defense these were the most interesting things that I found. In all honesty, nothing exciting or even remotely stimulating ever happens at Andover. That’s why you just read my Features article. And while I hate to cut this short, I’m off to go on a jackalope-hunting expedition in Stuart.
