The Eighth Page

Bad is Good

The inspiration behind this article is credited to my mentor and uncle, Mr. Jeff Foxworthy. Except, the Deep South is a bit cooler than Andover. Ain’t no thang. If you’ve ever woken up at 8:40 in the morning fully clothed, laying in a meal of Golden Chopstick sesame chicken, with a finished paper you can’t remember writing, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you think that studying is fun, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you think it’s normal to walk past a ten foot tall, shiny penis on your way to class, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you don’t know whether or not you are a “Junior” or “Sophomore,” you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you think that manual labor involves writing out a math problem long hand, you might go Phillips Academy Andover. If you have ever had a nervous breakdown over which polo shirt to wear with your new Uggs, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you think a fun Saturday night involves going to Ryley Room and sitting on a metal bench, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you pre-ordered a TI-120 for yourself, and three close study-buddies, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you think that you will go to a good college, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you have ever pondered packing up all of your clothes and taking the next train to Boston, then flying to Mexico to spend the rest of your life, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you think a social gathering involves five kids and a night lamp outside Day Hall, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you hate every conservative that ever lived, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you went into deep depression after the 2004 presidential elections, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you think that walking through six feet of snow in the dead of winter wrapped in animal furs and carrying rations to last a week is normal, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you are missing an extremity to frostbite, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you have hairier legs than your boyfriend, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If the last thing your parents said to you was, “don’t f**** up,” you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If you canceled your SAT scores because you didn’t think you broke a 2300, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. If your whole family has gone to PA, you have won a nation-wide contest in something, have saved baby seals in Antarctica, or can play the violin while hanging by your feet blind-folded, you might go Phillips Academy Andover. If you wasted your time reading this terrible article, you might go to Phillips Academy Andover. [Editors note: If you’ve ever written about 50 or so words less than you needed, and then had to end your article with a bunch of filler, you might be John Badman.]