The Eighth Page

The Kuta Plan

Contradicting my theory that summer would never arrive this year, it is almost here. After being pestered by my parents, friends and, romance advisor Dan Taylor ’06 about what I am doing this summer, I’m finally going to reveal my plans to the entire student body… or the seven people that read my articles. Thank you mom and UPS guy. (I also count my two editors in that- even though they don’t read these either). [Editor’s Note: Oh, we read your articles, only because we have nothing better to do with our lives]. Well anyway, here are my plans for summer. Community Service Project: As many of you know, I have a deep interest in the homeless population of America and their lives. (In short, I love the hobos.) What better way to observe these fascinating guys than to dress and act as one for a few weeks? I could report to the Andover community, (assuming I get the money I’ve requested, which is a given), on how the hobo hierarchy is assembled, how to poorly treat bad cuts, etc. This exciting and educational summer program will be a splendid way to spend time. Fitness: I’ve realized over the last few weeks that it’s bathing suit season, and that my Speedo makes me look like a bloated goat. I need to get in shape, and like I always do, I’ve pushed off my weight loss quest until the summer. I plan to, obviously, continue my 300 one-armed push ups a day, and with the help of my personal trainer, Tiki, I can only get stronger. I’d like to, by the end of the summer, be able to run briskly through the woods with buckets of water tied to a stick on my shoulders. Job: A summer job… I can see it now: Washing cars at ole’ Peterson’s Gas Station, waving to pretty girls in bikinis as they drive by in little sports cars. But, because I’m not 16, and due to my immense fear of girls and water, I’ll be working in a different field this summer. I’ve been extended the position of man-slave, working for my brother, which I am not sure if I’d like to do. I’ve also lined up a job at the local grocery store. Due to lack of business, the owner figured that he could draw more people to his store by adding some interesting attractions. I will be snatching the live lobsters from their tank with my bare hands, as opposed to a net. And don’t you worry, those lobsters won’t have those silly rubber bands on their claws. Let them enjoy their last days of freedom. My plucking of the lobsters might draw a crowd and should provide for some hearty laughs; although I do worry about the last guy who held that job. He now has three fingers and a punctured satchel. Athletics: I will be competing in the National Football League, Major League Baseball, and Sonic Hedgehog’s Greatest Adventure – all this summer! Sure it will be on my Sega Dreamcast – oh yeah, that’s right, a Dreamcast – but it’s the closest to the real thing that cheap technology in 2001 allowed. I might get outside to do a little jump-roping, and hopefully I’ll master my Double Dutch. Who says you can’t play sports with a little sister? So this summer seems to be shaping up nicely for me and the hobos. When I get back to campus this fall, I’ll be skinny, missing fingers, and knowledgeable in the ways of the hobo. It looks like I’m going to have a sweet summer – as long as the Terminator movies don’t come true. That’s my greatest fear. That and pigeons.