The Eighth Page

Promerama 2005

For the past two years, my mentor, confidant, and cult leader Derrick Kuan ’04 printed an article grading and evaluating prom dates. The dates were graded on a scale of, a) fashion sense, b) compatibility, and c) how funny their children would look. In that spirit, I will now evaluate the prom dates of my choosing. Ayo Adesanya & Sheena Hilton Grade: 4 This pair was going to receive a 6 until I realized that Sheena Hilton was not the younger sister of PA Prom ’02 attendee Paris Hilton, but a senior who lived in Isham. So yeah, the disappointment factor drops the grade to a 4. Daniel Adler & Morissa Sobleson Grade: 3 I bet you two wunderkind have never received a 3 in either of your lives. Well, how does it feel? Let it sink in- you two are just mediocre. You heard me- mediocre. Oystein Aukland & Jessica Fan Grade: 4+ Try to imagine what this pair’s kids would look like and not laugh out loud. I dare you. Would they be tall? Short? What language would they speak? _ a point deduction because I am worried O might accidentally crush her on the dance floor. Safety first, kids. Eric Bair & Chelsea Paige Grade: 5- These two would have very small children. Martin Donohoe & Nell Beattie Grade: 4+/5- Martin better pray to whatever Scottish pagan god he worships that Nell doesn’t rock high heels to this thing. Jack Thorlin & Lauren Blas Grade: 6 I am giving this pair a 6 as an apology to the time that five of my friends and I followed Jack and Lauren through 3 towns as they drove around together. It seemed very funny to us at the time. I would also like to apologize for the threatening note we left on your windshield that read, “We know who you are. We saw what you did. Sincerely, Captain Chaos.” Thank you for not pressing charges. Miles Canaday & Lily Kelting (’04…I think) Grade: Inc. Over 4 years here, I have heard Lily Kelting’s name many times. I, however, have never seen her. Of the several people I asked while writing it, none of them have ever seen her. I believe her to be a myth, like Santa Claus or the Keebler Elf. Therefore, I shall give this couple an incomplete until someone verifies her existence to me. Sarah Chang & Dan Hoyos Grade: 4/4- Whenever I see Dan Hoyos with a girl, all I can picture is him kissing her neck and whispering Spanish into her ear. This includes when I see him with teachers, Commons employees, and Isham nurses. Kevin Dalias & Alicia Widener (Import) Grade: 5+ I have never met Kevin’s date, but I have a great image of on prom night, the students are lined up to get on the boat, when someone realizes the door isn’t wide enough to get through. And Kevin will step forward, part the crowd, and announce: “Don’t worry, everyone, my date can handle this. She’s a Widener.” That joke was a lot funnier in my head than it is written out. Kojo DeGraft-Hanson & Katie Koh Grade: 4+/5- Their babies will come to Andover and win every single award that is available here. Miguel Fernandez-Galiano & Veronika KamenovaGrade: 5 I want to drink wine with this couple and discuss worldly affairs with them. Also, bonus points for having the longest combined name of any date so far. Ben Hoerner & Helen Chacon Grade: 5+ Ben Hoerner has done so much for day student parking; I think every presidential candidate should mention him in his speech. Man, Hoerner is awesome. Wes Howe & Alison Murphy Grade: 4+ I am glad I am not the only loser going to prom with a member of the same Phillipian board. Way to go Wes and Alison! Hilary Fischer-Groban, Meta Weiss, Katie Hunckler, and all the other girls taking random Uppers to Prom Grade: 2 Let’s put it this way, when I, Nate Scott, decide it isn’t classy to take a random underclassman to prom, you are all in a ton of trouble. Prad Kerdpairoj & Allegra Iafrate Grade: 5- I have never met either of these people, but does anyone remember the old hockey player Al Iafrate? I used to play with him in NHL 94 for Sega Genesis and he had the hardest slap-shot in the game. This girl’s name, shortened, is AL IAFRATE. IS THIS BLOWING ANYONE ELSE’S MIND?! Chloé Hurley & Clem Wood Grade: 5+/6- I think if Chloé changed her last name to Fantasy these two could, name-wise, be the greatest porn star couple that ever graced the earth. Think of it: Prom Night Passion starring Chloé Fantasy and Clem Wood. I’d watch it. Hell, I’d buy it. Megan Winn & Stephanos Kasselakis Grade: 6+ This couple makes me happier than it should. There’s just something so right and so perfect about these two. Robert Kim & Cecile Yu Grade: 4- If you look at the facebook pictures of these two, you will notice that they have the exact same expression in both of their pictures. You will also notice that it is one of the more terrifying things you will ever see in your life. Jon Weigel & Sam Lederfine-Paskal Grade: 5 Costa Rica: a special land where friends are made, love is shared, and household utilities are destroyed. Keep up the good work you two. Kaia Lubanko & Joey Funari Grade: 3+/4- What? Do these people know each other? Am I missing something here? Is there some secret Pine Knoll/Abbot social hangout where everyone in the cluster secretly mingles? Am I the only one who thinks this is weird? Maya Lucaci-Vashee & Alex Ricotta (’06) Grade: 5+ I love this couple. They make me laugh like a little schoolboy who has been given an extra bowl of pudding. Denys Levin & Stephanie Krant Grade: 4 I mean, there are a lot of random dates I guess, but did anyone see this one coming? Steph and Denys? I didn’t even know they talked. Talk about random. Henry Manice & Kate Ireland Grade: 4+ These two would have the tallest, preppiest babies that ever graced the earth. Lauren Seno & Victor Miller Grade: 5 Milwaukee’s Best, though arguably the worst beer that has ever been brewed by man (up to and including Urine Beer™ formulated by myself and David Wilkinson in Chem 300), is an appropriate name for this couple. Jill Ozzie & Nick Smith Wang Grade: Inc. I am forced to give this couple an incomplete on the basis that I do not believe they are actually going. Even though I have talked to both Nick and Jill about it, and both have confirmed to me that they are going, I still do not believe it. All I will say is that Nick should destroy every picture taken of him at Andover, only saving the pictures of him at prom. His kids and grandchildren will think he was the man in high school. Jason Park & Jane Park Grade: 4+/5- They have the same last name. That’s funny. Charlotte Pougnier & Matt Yeager Grade: What? I spoke too soon about Furnari and Lubanko being the randomest couple going to prom. What? Am I thinking of the right two people here? Let me go look at my facebook…Yep, it’s them all right. Am I that far removed from the campus social scene? Where do these two people meet? What in the hell is going on here? Steven Rolecek & Jamie Love Grade: 5 If this were a teen movie, these two would win Prom King and Queen. It is not, however, so Adler and Sobleson will probably win that. (If we had a Prom King and Queen.) (Don’t forget that 3 though, Adler. I know I haven’t.) Ian Schmertzler & Isabel Ritchie Grade: 6 Anything involving Ian Schmertzler makes me want to sing. Jessica Schuster & Su Zhu Grade: 4- Their babies will be much smarter than your babies. I hope these two bring college prep books to study in between dances. Nathan Scott & Jane Herzeca Grade: 6 You don’t think we deserve a 6? Who’s writing the article here? That’s what I thought. Shut up. Charles Thornton & Carolyn Pollard Grade: 4- I hope this date turns out as awkwardly as I am imagining it to be right now. Charles: “So Carolyn, are you having fun?” Carolyn: “I am going to leave now to hang out with Nick Shea” Charles: “Ohhhhh darn.” Bobby Spang & Alison Wheeler Grade: 5+ If I have a son, I want him to be like Bobby. If Alison and Bobby make a baby, I believe I might kidnap it and raise it as my own. So that’s it. If I left you off, it’s because you weren’t cool enough to make the list. Or because I didn’t know who you were. Or because you didn’t post your prom date on the website thing. Anyways, have a good prom. I love all of you.