The Eighth Page

Cannon and Koala That Could

So Badman and Gabe sent me the theme for this week, and needless to say, it had been the sole theme I had been waiting for all year. Now, boys and girls, it’s almost a no brainer that Uncle Cannon has had his fair share of adventures. So I pulled out my leatherback anthology (now on sale at CVS for 15 food stamps) and flipped through the nostalgic, glitter-covered pages and searched for the appropriate story. I looked at some of the different titles: “Billy and the Brothel in Bangkok,” “ The Amazing Flying Machine with Mustard Gas,” “Phillip Meyer ’08 and the Featherweight Stick of Clouds,” “That Time I Partied Naked” (insert disgusted look with shrill cry), and finally, the story you will hear today: “Cannon and Koala that Could.” Long, long ago, in the year 2004, there was a koala named Dolomite that loved watching “Three’s Company.” Unfortunately, the other koalas didn’t like “Three’s Company,” so they burned his family alive at the stake. And that made Dolomite a very sad koala bear. So naturally, the only thing our furry protagonist could do was plot sweet, sweet revenge. Dolomite sold his hotel chain and used the money to buy Section 8 housing in Lawrence, Massachusetts. This is where the adventure begins. It just so happened Dolomite had purchased the abode next to mine. Eventually, the furry little creature and I became friends, because I was the only person in Lawrence who spoke Mandarin. After hearing his story, I fell sympathetic to his cause. Dolomite was very inexperienced at revenge plotting, so I hooked him up with some info. After seven full moons, we had finally come up with a plot. We would melt the brains of the evil koalas by blasting Celine Dion music into their koala community. To obtain the Celine Dion music, we would have to travel to the dorm room of the only man in the Boston metropolitan area who had any, Steve Kim ’06. The path to his dorm room was dark and mysterious. We had survived the pit of crocodiles and the chamber of Ralph Nader before we ran into our toughest obstacle: the infamous Loomis “Swim Dodger.” However, all we needed to do was stand still, while he jumped off a ledge because of humiliation. Finally we reached the dorm room, tricked Steve, ate all of his tasty Asian snacks, and took his CD. With the CD in hand we returned to the Koala town in Shang Hai (which was created on the Seventh Day by Cam “The Almighty” Smith ’07) and began our “cleansing.” I will admit killing Koala bears is quite a hard task, only because they’re so, so, so cute. With all the furry little creatures lying at our feet, we gleefully jumped up and down realized our victory. However I soon became very hungry and decided to eat Dolomite, because I heard from Joe O’Hern ’07 that Koala bears are really tasty. I soon found out this was false and cried over the fact I had just eaten my best and only friend. And so ends my tale, kids. The moral of the story, as most of you have probably assumed, is that crack cocaine really messes up your life and gives you some pretty funky dreams.