The Eighth Page

Trump For President

With the 2004 presidential election finally over, there’s only one thing Americans can do next: begin talking about 2008. Eight months of commercials were not enough. We need to buckle down and listen to the candidates for as long as it takes, which is obviously three years. Who will run and who will win? And more importantly, who will lose and grow a stubbly beard? I’d said I’m highly qualified for this analysis – once, when I couldn’t find the remote, I watched three and a half minutes of CNN. Jerry Bruckheimer: Sure I don’t know what he looks like, if he’s American, or if he’s even a real person, but he could be the man for the job. Who brought America its most beloved TV shows, like Skin? (Skin was unfairly taken off the air after just three episodes, even with the mesmerizing acting talents of PA alum, Olivia Wilde ‘02, who rebounded nicely with a part on the OC. OMG THE OC! ADAM BRODY! By the way, has anybody noticed how much Adam Brody’s dad on the OC resembles a catfish?) Bruckheimer knows how to be the boss and if he puts his hat in the ring, watch out for the Bruck. John McCain: McCain is the perfect presidential candidate for this country. We’ve seen him before and he’s always on the news, so the public definitely recognizes him a strong political leader. He even hosted Saturday Night Live – a tell tale sign of seeking higher office. And, if McCain wins it all, there could easily be a movie in the making, where Steve Martin plays McCain. All Martin needs is the neck fat, the most precious fat of all. Donald Trump (The Donald): How would you like to see the White House painted gold? Exactly. The Red M&M: As we’ve seen on TV, he’s a fine leader and really knows what his goals are. He also knows how to handle an incompetent society, cleverly disguised as the yellow M&M. This could be the most delicious election in years. Daniel Adler: Yeah right! He gave me six dollars (Canadian) and half a Ryley burger to put his name in here. Saddam Hussein: This guy is ready for a comeback! The underdog? Yes. The best mustache? Definitely Yes. Just you wait, he’ll surprise us all. Look for Castro to complete the ticket. James Earl Jones: He’s got everything America needs: suspenders, round glasses, and a love for the game of baseball…wait, wasn’t that his character in Field of Dreams? Shhh! He really knows how to break bad news to people, for instance, when your Verizon Wireless call doesn’t go through, his powerful, yet gentle, voice emerges from a cloud of confusion. I say all systems go for James Earl Jones; he’ll never stop working for you. Hillary Duff: She’s cute, she’s sassy, and she’s surprisingly alert on foreign oil issues. At the last OPEC meeting she said, “The outstanding oil difficulties facing this country and its alarming dependence on the Middle East are quite disquieting and I will not respite until the issue is resolved.” Obviously, she knows what she’s doing. Sure she’s not 35, but how could you say no to that face? As you can see, there is nothing to worry about. Our country is in good hands with these fine citizens chomping at the bit to become president. They are motivated, qualified, and just plain gorgeous people, except for Jerry Bruckheimer. I’ve still never seen him. They know the issues and how do deal with them. It should be an exciting election, exciting indeed.