The Eighth Page

Roid Rage

This spring break got me thinking. Admittedly, I had been doing some thinking before, but it was amateur thinking at best: sloppy, unrefined, and pointless. I would spend minutes, if not half-hours agonizing over useless details. Is Paris Hilton’s lasagna really that good? Who wins in a fight, Ivan Drago from Rocky IV, Mr. T from Rocky III, or Mr. T from the A-Team? How come the New Yorker won’t publish my cartoons? How do you spell lasagna? This spring break, though, was different. I began to think long and hard, though not always both at the same time, about the things that really matter. What sort of things you ask? Well let me tell you. Come closer… closer… Ok, maybe not that close, back up a few feet, just a couple… too far. Either way, without further filler, allow me to tell you what I realized is the real problem in America. Steroids. That’s right, ‘Roids, the Juice, the Sauce, the Clear, the Cream, BALCO Brand Homestyle Blended Smoothies. No topic in America is hotter right now than steroids and it seems like everyone’s got an opinion. As an entity composed more or less of pure hulking muscle, I understand our nation’s curiosity concerning steroids, and the need for everyone to have an opinion. As we all know, however, uninformed opinions lead to things like racism, McCarthyism, and all of my history papers. As such, I feel it is my duty to provide a background on the history of steroids as to better understand the issue at hand today. Thus, here are some of the most important dates in the history of steroids. April 30, 1789: In his inaugural address, President George Washington promises, among other things, “To put thy top researchologists to the task of finding ways to increasing the national muscle mass by 35 percent, for ensure for every American the right to bear rock-hard abs and rippling ‘delts.” President Washington goes on to hit 62 homeruns the following season. April 3, 1908: Upon receiving his second rejection from the Academy of Arts in Vienna, young Adolph Hitler fears he’ll never have the power to impress the women he desires. Torn now between taking power in Germany, or hitting the weights hard with some help from “Vitamin S,” Hitler chooses the latter, and World War II is entirely avoided. Hitler goes on the hit 68 home runs the following season. December 25, 1928: Now famous for his accidental discovery of penicillin, Alexander Fleming accidentally discovers a new form of Steroid that can be injected directly into the bloodstream, replacing the previous method of suppository steroids. August 17, 1969: Believing that in order to truly honor the national anthem, he needs drugs to not only alter his mind, but his body as well, Jimi Hendrix juices up in time for the legendary Woodstock festival. With the pectorals to finally realize his guitar abilities, Hendrix plays one of the most famous renditions of the anthem; all while power-cleaning his 225 lb. cast-iron guitar. Hendrix goes on to hit 78 home runs the following season. So there you have it, the definitive history of steroids throughout time. Like everything I write, I can assure you this piece was both well thought out and researched. Of course, if anyone wants to verify my facts, you know where to find me: at the bench press… in Mexico.