The Eighth Page

Features Campus News Report

Snow Mound, Central Campus – Five days after a freak tunnel cave in, Andres Bobadilla ’06 was found alive inside his snow “castle of loving”. Rescue dogs quickly started pulling on Bobadilla’s shirt, but on Andres’s insistence, he was left in the cave for the rest of the trimester. Bobadilla yelled to rescuers, “If I stay in this cave, I don’t have to go to classes, right? So come dig me out after Winter trimester. By the way, I am eating one of the rescue dogs to stay alive…” Sanctuary, wooded area – A secret society within Andover was unveiled last week after an Andover faculty member reported chanting and torch carriers in the Sanctuary while he was walking his dog. PAPS quickly busted the meeting, and the society was broken up. The charter to the club was discovered within the cloak of the group leader, and it read, “The Secret Society of AP Calculus is dedicated to the destruction and belittling of the English and History departments…” Great Lawn, grassed area – After ten years of sculpting and ore pouring, the artist of the phallic statue signifying the union of Abbot and Andover schools finally finished his latest master piece. The statue, measuring 90 feet in height, greatly dwarfs the original statue, but is proportionally the same. The artist, Long D. Wang, remarked that the most difficult metal working task was, “finding enough scrap metal to pour into the ball-shaped part of the statue. Those are some big balls, with about ten cars worth of metal, those shiny boys were hard to come by…”. Commons, Fooded area – Commons workers have been advised of an increase in rodent and small pest infestation. Several students have reported seeing fox running across lower right, goats in upper left, and even a walrus in the men’s bathroom. An anonymous Commons worker, reflecting on the pest problem, reported, “We have set up traps for the goat problem, and have put out poison for the walrus deal. We still do not have a good extermination plan for fox, and are open to any suggestions”. This pest infestation is not the first in New England boarding schools, as Phillips Exeter Academy has reported pigs and weasels seated at the cafeteria tables eating meals. After further investigation of the Exeter problem, however, the infestation was traced back to the Academy’s founding student body. Gelb Center, Scienced Area -After claiming just last week that Phillips Academy has the best college level physics course in the United States, the Boston Globe has taken back the title and awarded the